Well, of course he isn’t. He didn’t invent the internet, for one. And he thinks Climate Change is something your mum made up so that you’d go to sleep early on Christmas Eve. Not his mum, though. Donald Trump doesn’t have a mum. He wasn’t conceived, he was processed in a Juice Tiger, from satsumas and the stuffing out of cushions. That was a joke about someone’s appearance, guys. It’s just as cheap and lazy when we do it.
But well, yes. All this outrage about The Donald saying he’ll refuse to accept the outcome of a rigged election, that he’ll sue everyone, that the system is unfair… we all have short memories. Because I seem to recall an event in 2000 where a certain Democrat (you know the one – Bill Clinton’s VP, loves trees, hates petrol cars, looks like a fat Data from Star Trek) got a bit huffy about losing the election to a certain Republican (you know the one – loves petrol cars, hates spelling tests, looks like if George W Bush had early onset Alzheimer’s), and basically sued America, until some judges told him to cut it out. Because The Donald is right – the system is unfair. It may not be ‘rigged’ in the way he puts it, but then he’s probably just favouring one word over the other because ‘rigged’ has fewer syllables, ergo it takes him less time to repeat it over and over at rallies until the average Klansman Gump in his crowd can absorb it.
Is Donald Trump a completely new entity on the GOP ticket? Well, apart from him not really being a politician, no. He doesn’t have any views that are outrageously different from candidates of previous years. He’s just much ruder. And he’s not actually as right wing as most of them. There are state politicians in certain places in the USA who would make you drop to your knees and plead with God to send you a Trump instead. Trump was a Democrat for many years, he’s technically a New York liberal, he’s not a fan of the sanctity of marriage, he’s probably an atheist, he doesn’t hate ‘the gays’, he’s more than likely pro-life, his casual racism is derived entirely from a combination of his nouveau rich privilege and the fact that he is fucking trash. But don’t think the worst man won the GOP ticket. Not even close.
The rest of them, who will now forever be known by their Trump-appointed nicknames, were all varying degrees of abhorrent, ignorant, racist, sexist, homophobic vileness. Most of them just had the media training or the nous to keep it under wraps until it was unavoidable. The most important thing to note about Little Marco, Lying Ted, Weak Jeb, etc, is that they are career politicians who couldn’t beat the guy from The Apprentice, in their primaries, or on TV debates. Smart as Trump secretly is, and staged managed as his gaffes and slip-ups are, the new guy should never be able to take the job you were trained for. Which is sort of Donald’s entire mantra now, ironically enough. Except for ‘new’, put ‘Chinese’, ‘Mexican’ or ‘Caitlyn Jenner’.
Is there a positive side to Trump? No. The only positives I ever think of with him are ‘He isn’t as stupid as I thought he was’, and ‘Oh, that’s actually quite clever, how he’s manipulating them.’ These are not positive things, people. These are are like high scores on a pack of Dictator Top Trumps. Wait a second… Top Trumps? Trump? IT’S A SIGN. Of course, after the election, one of The Donald’s first executive orders will be to re-brand them as Huge Trumps. It’s in his platform. I’ve done the research.
Is Hillary crooked? Of course, but no more crooked than anyone else who works as a politician or runs a large charity. Did she sort of know that Saudi and Qatar were funding Islamic State while she attended lavish dinners in Riyadh and Doha, eating roast panda, selling them some Christian-seeking missiles, and taking generous donations to the Clinton Foundation? Probably. Is that in any way as (or more) crooked than the shit the other guy gets up to before the rest of the world has even had breakfast? Nope. Although he has an advantage there, as he only sleeps for 3 hours every night. The maids vacuuming up Melania’s post-coital vomit keeps him awake.
Is Hillary a good person/candidate? She has done many good things, long before you were born, all the way through your life, and also in the future, where she regularly travels to fight crime, using the ‘Private Server’ Bill keeps in the basement. There’s no point in even listing Hillary’s good points though, because you’ve already decided that there’s ‘something about her’ you don’t quite like, and that’s enough to send her to the Recycle Bin folder of history, while you ‘vote’ for that stoner guy who cannot geography, or that Jamie Lee-Curtis-looking woman who thinks vaccinations cause invisibility.
The thing is, Trump’s statuses as Pretend Billionaire, Pretend Successful Businessman, and Genuine Reality TV Star only take him so far in the world of making really nefarious social and business contacts. That’s why he wants the White House. Once he has the Presidential Seal on his Underoos, he’ll be able to arrange meetings with Saudi Princes, Russian Oligarchs, the King of Africa, etc, at the drop of a hat. Like most hatred, his dislike for Hillary is simply a projection of envy. He doesn’t disapprove of her alleged misdeeds in the murky world of international politics. He just thinks he could do better. Well, worse. He would have have done incredible misdeeds. His corruption would have been huge. He would have had ten private servers. He would have deleted the entire internet, not 30,000 emails. And he would have sent Monica to the electric chair. Bigly. Ask anybody, they’ll tell ya.
Vote wisely, guys. Which Commander in Chief is going to spend the next four to eight years being blocked by Congress at every opportunity is up to you. You’re going to make history tomorrow. Sort of. Unless someone wins the popular vote but loses the Electoral College. Then, you’re going to make history after Christmas. Maybe. Go to sleep early, or Climate Change will eat you.