From: Paul Dacre (Editor in Chief)
To: All writers, sub editors, web copy writers, freelance bigots
Good morning, everyone! Women are an important minority group who make up 52% of the world’s human population, so here at the Daily Mail, we think it’s crucial to give them the correct amount of representation in our paper (and, more likely, on our website). Even if they used to be men, in which case we make sure to use the correct pronouns in a way that seems like we’re taking the piss a bit. And call them a woman enough to start an outrage war in the comments section. Anyway, enough about chicks with dicks, here’s a breakdown of how to write about the decorative sex in a way befitting of the high standards readers have come to expect from us.
- Bravery: It’s important to highlight the bravery of many women in society today, and it comes in many forms. We at the Mail prefer to concentrate on the bravery of attractive female celebrities who leave the house without make-up, probably to take their children to school, usually unaware that there are bottom-feeding paparazzi scum lurking in the bushes. Please remember to include several close ups of the brave woman’s foundation-free face, along with some comparison pictures from an airbrushed magazine cover so that our readers can understand the sheer heroism of said female emerging from her actual home without first employing a team of stylists and make-up artists to get her ready. Tone of the article must not be mocking, but feel free to insert some subtle nuances which imply that women are literally only good for looking at and masturbating over, and when they don’t make the effort to fulfill male fantasies, they are worthless pieces of ageing meat.
- All Grown Up: A sensitive subject, with Britain and the rest of the western world currently under siege by a plague of terrifying paedophiles, so tread carefully here. The purpose of this sort of article is merely to welcome a newly 16 year old (THAT’S LEGAL HERE, DON’T WORRY – Editor’s Note) into society, preferably if she is wearing some sort of push up bra or corset. Again, be careful not to use language which is provocative, as this may confuse readers used to our hard line, zero tolerance policy on child sex predators. A degree of innuendo is perfectly acceptable, and feel free to use words like ‘blossoming’ and ‘radiant’. Steer clear of usual DM favourites like ‘lithe’, ‘buxom’, or ‘pert derriere’, as wouldn’t want to give out mixed signals. ‘Leggy’ is fine, however. No one out there is perverted enough to be aroused by a teenager in stockings and suspenders. Please include at least 40 photographs, with the girl’s face in at least three of them.
- Mini Me: A relatively new topic, this one is quite simple. Any female celebrity with a female child over the age of… about six, can be photographed and reported on, with the angle being that said child looks quite like their parents. Feel free to add something about ‘matching outfits’, if both are (for instance) wearing trousers or skirts. Please do not make the accompanying text be lascivious when mentioning the child. Unless she has breasts, or something. Not a lot of copy needed for this sort of piece. 80 or so very similar photographs will suffice. If you need to make the article a little more interesting for readers, try to include some sort of subtext about the mother being jealous of the child’s youth, and imply that maybe her vagina is ruined now.
- Post Baby Figure: Always a reader favourite, in this piece we find a woman who works as a glamorous actress or supermodel, and picture her six weeks after giving birth, looking like she must have adopted the child, so flawless and pristine is her figure. The actual amount of time is irrelevant, always use ‘six weeks’. Dunno why, it just sort of sounds good. Bikini photos are best in this situation, although photos of the woman in a top where she ‘flaunts her toned post-baby midriff’ are also fine. Please remember to use this exact phrase. At no point must we point out that these women are genetically superior to the average new mother, or that their jobs necessitate them being in incredible physical shape, and thus make it easier for their figures to return to normal, post-birth. This information isn’t really crucial to the story, and would probably make our female readership feel a bit better about themselves. Which is to be avoided, really.
- Dare to Bare: Another classic, this sort of piece is usually centred on premieres, awards shows, galas. We find females who have made the mistake of dressing too provocatively in a pathetic attempt to get news coverage, and duly report on this, with 40 to 60 accompanying photographs. As always, the headline must concentrate on the clothing (or lack of) and never on whatever nonsense said woman does for a living. The pop strumpet Rihanna is always a good choice here, and writers should be aware that in these pieces, the language and implications should be light, frivolous, and sexually objectifying. Please keep any thinly veiled racism regarding the pert derriered songstress for our more serious editorial pieces. It’s important to have a sense of congruity, after all.
- General Tips: Overall, the House Style here at the Mail is pretty simple to follow, and uses logic at its core (unlike women, obviously). If a woman has done something good, it’s important to point out how nice her dress was at the time, with links for readers to buy a similar article a knockdown price. If a woman has done something bad, similar rules apply, as she still may have been wearing a nice outfit, and our readers will still want to keep on trend. If said woman was sexually assaulted, it’s probably okay to speak disparagingly about the outfit she was wearing, but considering the advertising revenue we receive from click-throughs on related clothing adverts, it may be more prudent to praise the outfit, and just imply that she was raped because she’s an alcoholic, or a whore.
I hope all this was of some use to you guys, and I look forward to seeing your efforts in the right hand column of the website soon.