The small percentage of England’s liberal, tree-hugging, tranny-enabling population that bothered to stay up last night to watch the women’s ‘football’ in the so-called World Cup in ‘Canada’, were left reeling after watching their country’s ladygirls throw away a perfectly good 1-1 lead in the last seconds of their semi-final. Seemingly misunderstanding the entire point of the game, some bird called Laura sliced the ball into her own net in stoppage time, handing a place in the final to the equally female and incompetent Japanese. Having done so well to reach the latter stages, the team now head home in disgrace, having ruined the worldwide image of English football that their male counterparts have worked so hard to build, since inventing the sport about 200 years ago, and winning like one trophy since then.
There were of course tears at the final whistle, especially from Laura, who had fucked up right and proper, by diving in for the ball like some sort of scatty female, instead of acting like a male player would, and taken time to weigh up the odds and probabilities, using the age old tools of logic and basic physics. Not Laura though, she attacked that ball with all the fervor and precision of an 11 year old tweenager trying to pull out a lock of Harry Styles’ hair at an HMV signing. And the result was a catastrophe, as any man could have told her before she even started. Tears, not just from Laura herself, who behaved in a way that real, masculine footballers like John Terry or Paul Gascoigne in their heydays wouldn’t have dreamed of; but also from the pundits in the studio, who committed the cardinal sin of letting themselves get emotionally invested in the proceedings, like a bunch of girls. You wouldn’t see Ian Wright doing that, would you?
England were hampered from the beginning, having lost several players to menstruation, cramps, and ‘If you don’t know, there’s no point in me telling you’. The Japanese, by contrast, were looking strong in all departments, despite not being allowed by FIFA to wear their lucky schoolgirl outfits, and having to put up with their own government’s insistence on pixelating their genitals. Japan are known for their possession game, with long sequences of passing, and what the Guardian described as ‘a lack of penetration up front’. Which is of no surprise, really, as that’s basically what’s wrong with most women, and if it were up to me, that’s how I’d sort them all out.
Losing a World Cup semi-final is not a small deal. England’s superior and much better paid male footballers have managed to avoid losing one for 25 years. Most of the time, they manage to avoid losing quarter finals too, unless they’re unlucky enough to face anyone half-decent, the completely anti-English unfairness of penalties is involved, some foreign player does something a bit cheaty-looking, or they don’t score as many goals as the other lot. The women are clearly playing catch-up here. They have a chance of redeeming something in the Third Place Play-Off, of course, but no one will be watching that except lesbians.
As for the actual game, well it was good, apart from all the diving and stuff. Something the men’s game is thankfully without. The England girlwomen’s goal came from what can only be described as a dodgy penalty, which the team outrageously accepted, instead of doing that thing Robbie Fowler did that time when he did that thing, and saying ‘No, we don’t deserve this one, have it back’. Everyone knows that’s what you’re supposed to do if you’re an honest English player. Or Paolo DiCanio. An English international striker is never a diver. Unless you mean Michael Owen against Argentina at France 1998, but that doesn’t count, because he was just doing that to counteract the sending off of David Beckham. Which hadn’t happened yet. But still, cut it out girls, that sort of thing is for foreigners and pansies.
There was some consolation to be had on the internet afterwards, when men of all ages and waist sizes clamoured to commiserate ‘the girls’ on their fine and unlucky loss, often helpfully mansplaining the nuances of the sport to women who literally do it for a fucking living. It wasn’t all light without shade though, as other male types helpfully weighed in to inform everyone of the low standards of this massively underfunded and bureaucratically neglected burgeoning world sport, often adding that they could have done better themselves, or that it would have been more entertaining if the women had been wearing tighter shorts. Which would be funny, if that wasn’t the exact opinion held by Sepp Blatter, a man who understands the concepts of ‘feminism’ and ‘tact’, about as much as he understands what ‘resignation’ means.
So, what now for England’s female ladies? Speaking from his cell in Cushyanddefinitelynotapaedoplace Prison, PR Guru and registered sex fiend Max Clifford said “Well, the possibilities for the girls are literally finite. On the back of almost being successful at this so-called World Cup, they can expect the offers to come flooding in. Well, the pretty ones can anyway. I’m sure Nuts and Zoo will be interested in some nice lingerie spreads. And there might be some footwear endorsement deals on the cards. What’s that one? Manolo Blahnik, is it? I don’t watch Sex and the City. We’re not really allowed to watch anything with ‘sex’ in it when we’re locked up in here. I’m not a paedo though, those were grown women I raped and stuff. Oh! Oh! Those ones with the red soles. Women love those shoes. And I think they like handbags as well. So basically, thanks to this pathetic display, most of these girls can expect to be quids in.”
So there you have it. Well done to the females, better luck next time, and don’t feel down; I would still do at least five of you. Seven if alcohol was involved.