Okay, enough is enough. The gays are literally taking over the world now. Everywhere you look on the internet, there’s rainbow pictures, and men kissing, and people putting up photos of two ducklings getting married while erroneously referring to them as ‘two chicks’. It’s sick, and it has to stop.
I’m all for live and let live. But I don’t need someone’s homosexuality shoved in my face all the time. I don’t need to know about what sick stuff they get up to in the bedroom, just because some liberal idiot has decided that we all need Human Rights. You don’t see me talking about being straight all the time, do you? No, my Facebook relationship status, profile picture of me and the wife, constant online check-ins when we’re anywhere together, tagging her in any status that’s even loosely related to us being a couple, and posting pics of her bump, the scan, and the eventual baby, along with six folders of our wedding – that’s enough. I’m not shoving it down anyone’s throat.
You can literally go to any big city in the civilised world now, and for a whole half a day of each year, risk running into a load of gays and lesbians and trangenders, and bisexuals and bi-curiouses, and people who AREN’T EVEN WEIRD OR ANYTHING, THEY’RE JUST GOING TO IT ANYWAY, and it can be quite a traumatic event, if you’re not prepared. I mean, obviously there’s fair warning (posters, internet ads, flyers, guys shouting about it with loadhailers), and it’s not not on for any more days a year than St Patrick’s Day, or Christmas, or any of those days where we get sad about people who died in the war; but still. It’s a bit too much, and I really resent going to it. But I have to, because someone has to keep an eye on them.
Gay sex is weird, and I don’t understand it. So it’s really out of line for gays to bring it up all the time. I mean, whenever I meet a straight couple, they don’t make me think about them in bed, sucking each other’s toilet parts, sticking stuff up each other. Straight people have a bit of decorum. But if you’re gonna introduce me to your ‘wife’ when you’re clearly a woman yourself, well now I’m going to have to spend ages picturing the two of you scissoring or sixty-nining, and sometimes it’s not even hot. A lot of the times, you don’t even look like the real lesbians, from porn.
I’ve met a lot of people’s grandparents, and I’ve never ever thought about them shagging each other. Thought hasn’t crossed my mind. They’re old people! They eat buns, and watch The Antiques Roadshow. They don’t bother with all that stuff any more. But, this week, I saw a thing about two 85 yr old men in Alabama who’ve been together for 50 years. And now I have to think about two old codgers lubing up and going hell’s bells until one of them (or both of them) shoots a hot, sticky load, and they collapse into each other’s liver-spotted, but still strong arms. And I don’t really have the imagination or the stomach for that.
Where is my Straight Pride parade? Can a person not be proud of being born the right way, or of not choosing to be gay? Surely it’s something we need to be congratulated on, not shamed for? Sure, the Pride movement isn’t really about floats or feather boas, or confusingly beautiful transsexuals in silver hotpants – it’s probably more about the happiness of the LBGTQ community that they live in a world where they can be themselves without fear of arrest, losing their jobs, etc – even though that struggle is continuing, and until gay people can walk hand in hand down a street in any town without funny looks, cat-calls, beatings, or worse – or kids can come out to their friends and parents without ever worrying they won’t be accepted as normal, there will never be true equality. Yeah, yeah, I know all that, sort of. What I’m trying to say is, I’m special too! Give me back my rainbow, you queers.