Which is Better? Kendall’s Ass or Her Mother’s Penis? [a blog] #CallMeCaitlyn #BreakingNews #Arsecocks

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Bruce Jenner is no more. I’m not really sure what he was before, but the days of he are gone, long live Caitlyn; Vanity Fair cover star, reality show dynasty co-matriarch, and former Olympic Medalist (cos she had to give medal back, obviously. Someone else won it.)

Yes, on the day when that Kim Kardashian has-been woman and her pop star husband announced the imminent arrival of their next appallingly monikered offspring, precisely no one gave an actual fuck, because the big news was: some rich person looks pretty in a corset. I was there right at the start, as I happened to be over on VF.com entertainment scribe Joanna Robinson’s page, looking for some Game of Thrones opinions, and she was the first to let the mongoose out of the traps, to coin a phrase.

Very quickly, my internet was filled with exclusives from all the major news outlets, most of them completely struggling with the concept of ‘pronouns’, and some profound, thought-provoking comments on said articles, from the great unwashed. “Omg she looks amazing!” screamed people who, up until about four seconds before, had definitely been feminists. “Good for her, she’s the best!”, said overly-liberal types, who hadn’t given a fiddler’s fuck when Caitlyn was simply ‘that guy from that show on E! who was married to that fucking crazy woman.’

I like to think I’m as liberal as the next person, until I look around me and check out what the next person is up to. And that person is usually being a shitehawk. Being liberal, to me, is about live and let live. It’s about supporting people less fortunate, when they need your support. But that’s not how it works for some liberal people. For them, it’s more about ‘Look How Amazing a Person I Am! I Don’t Hate Anyone! Except Conservative People, Obviously’. There’s something a bit icky about that friend of yours who is constantly posting gushing tributes to anyone in the celeb sphere who happens to be brown. gay, transgender, a giraffe, etc. You can’t just pre-love everyone who is a minority or marginalised by society. That’s as fucking idiotic as the way some people on the Right pre-hate them. It’s still pre-judice, yanno?

And, if they’re not doing that, they’re posting their mock outrage at how CRAZY and STUPID the views of some nutcase on the opposite political side happen to be. “OMFG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS FAT, RICH, REPUBLICAN SENATOR IS SO IGNORANT ABOUT HOW FOOD STAMPS WORK, YOU GUYS!!!!!”. Yeah, you can though. You definitely can. Shush.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ll always be Left Wing. Having grown up poor, I can’t help it. It doesn’t matter how rich I become, I can’t ever see myself suddenly developing a callous around my heart, and deluding myself that my success wasn’t half luck, and that I am not just a few bad decisions away from being that homeless guy I walk past on the street. But not all people with Right Wing views are evil or stupid. It’s just the ones you see making comments on the internet. Because, as the old saying goes, ‘Stupid Cunts Make the Most Noise’. And there are plenty of those on the far Left too. You just don’t like to admit it. For every twat who blames ‘Barry Hussein’ for the fact that he got mugged on the subway, there’s a jelly-spined bleeding heart who sticks his fingers in his ears every time someone brings up carpet bombing or Guantanamo.

But, back to Caitlyn. It’s great that she’s in such a position of privilege that her coming out (in the debutante sense, not the sexuality one, I have no idea whether she prefers snails or oysters) has had such a fanfare, a thorough Annie Liebowitzing, and a generous helping of Photoshop’s Gaussian Blur filter. Good for her! But I’m not buying all these people who never gave a fuck about her when she was a man, suddenly making her the poster child for diversity. She’s still part of the elite, let’s be fair. Whatever her struggle is now, or in future, she’ll be struggling while taking a car to Spago’s, and having a Mexican clean her toilet. The idea that trans kids around the world will suddenly have someone with whom to identify is stretching it a bit. I mean, stupid kids from poor families don’t look at George Bush and think ‘Never mind! I can still be president someday!!!’ That’s because, even though they’re stupid, they know they’re not going to Harvard or Yale on some C scores. The best they can hope for is a job scraping Caitlyn’s fragrant lady poos off the bowl.

But, Caitlyn’s grand entrance into the halls of polite society wasn’t the only thing trending over the past few days. No, in a story of equal weight and importance, young Kendall Jenner wore some shorts. They were really short shorts. You could see the beginnings of her buttocks in them. Like, a lot of the buttocks. What was she thinking? Luckily, she’s 19 now, which means it’s been a whole year and a bit since it was morally dubious for any newsgiver outside of the Daily Mail website to make suggestive comments about her pert derriere. Although the Daily Mail website is literally the only place on earth where anyone uses the phrase ‘pert derriere’. Anyway, Kendall’s tiny, white-girl child-arse was the talk of the web, relegating Kim and Kanye’s Konception to third place, which must have been devastating.They’re both used to being the most celebrated anus in town.

So, how should you have reacted to the pictures of The Artist Formerly Known as Bruce? Up to you, really. Just know that if you’re my friend, and you’re waxing cuntical about how much you’ve ‘always admired her spirit’, I’m going to vet your Facebook timeline quicker than I checked your Spotify history that time you pretended you knew any B.B. King songs that didn’t have Bono in them.

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