Well now, that was shit. As the dust settles on the United Kingdom this morning, there’s only one thing for certain. Rupert Murdoch is still Prime Minister. Thanks to some Sun-led ‘tactical voting’, the Scottish people handed the Conservatives the election, by blasting their way to fifty-six seats in a parliament they don’t even want to be in. All with a magnificent 5% of the national vote. And their reward? Fifty-six seats on the Opposition side, where they’ll be glared at by what’s left of the Labour party, for another five years. Good work all round, Porridge Fellas!
By contrast, the the Independence Party of the UK (IPUK) tallied an impressive 12.5% of the spoils, giving them a grand total of one seat. That’s democracy in action right there, guys. Long may it continue (for them, anyway). Yes, the five million or so votes that Farage’s lot and the Greens got, countrywide, resulted in them getting a seat each, which seems completely fair to someone like me, who grew up in a country with Proportional Representation, which is based on the crazy idea that people should be governed by the candidates they actually want. But, even then, not everyone is ruled by who they want. That’s fine though, because I come from Ireland, and no one can tell any of the parties apart there. Fianna Sinn Fine, or something or other. ‘I’m voting for those guys!’.
If you live in the England and didn’t fancy another half decade of austerity, cuts, food banks, and evil, there wasn’t really much more you could have done. The Scots fucked you, and even then, that wasn’t really their fault. You didn’t give them their own country last September, so they paid you back by giving you David Cameron. And Boris Johnson. Oh yeah, BoJo snuck back into the Commons last night, despite clearly already being the Mayor of London. He didn’t even stand in his home seat of Henley. He didn’t have to. That man could win an election in Jerusalem, while dressed as Heinrich Himmler. And, with Dave hinting that he doesn’t want three terms, it’s obvious that his old Eton chum and cousin Boris is being groomed to take the reins, and maybe sooner than you think. It’s clear that British people will vote Tory now, even if it’s against their own interests, so you can’t blame the Conservatives for thinking they can pass that muttering toilet brush off as the next Churchill.
Who is going to make up the flesh and bones of the next government? It’s not really clear to me, as First Past the Post seems really simple until you get a Hung Parliament, then it sort of seems to turn into a real system, with coalitions and whatnot. None of that matters, anyway. The Tories are in, and it doesn’t matter who joins them, they are just going to end up being the little arsehole kid that hangs around with the school bully. They can talk shit at you, but they’ll have no actual power, and you’ll get them later, when the bully has gone home for his tea. Maybe they’ll be at Youth Club. They won’t be so smart then, without their minder. You can get a few friends with you, maybe, as back up. Corner them behind the chip shop. ‘Not so fucking tough now, are you, eh?’ you’ll cry. Before beating their skull in with a claw hammer. I think this metaphor might have got away from me.
Who would get in bed with the Tories though? The SNP might have been the ones who handed Cameron the election, but they don’t really get on. David Cameron doesn’t seem the type to respect a woman leader. His favourite politician was Maggie Thatcher, after all. IPUK haven’t got anything to bargain with, neither do the Greens. The Unionists from Northern Ireland are the only ones whose capacity for pure evil matches that of the Tories, so it might be them, although there’s all different kinds of them (UUP, DUP, KKK), and I’m not sure if they get on with each other. I just know they all have moustaches. In the end, it’ll make no difference. The Lib Dems (remember them?) didn’t get anything they wanted, and now they have even less. Clegg’s lot lost an avalanche of seats, as did Labour, and the worst thing is, the Conservatives did nothing to deserve their gains.
I say nothing, but if you look beneath the surface, and ask around, you’ll find that the Tories spent millions in calculated, targeted campaigns up and down the country – canvassing, leafleting, cold calling – in a bid to discredit the Lib Dem and Labour candidates in key constituencies. It was full on Kristallnacht stuff, and it happened without being reported in the Con-friendly print media. Couple that with the Murdoch-engineered SNP landslide, and what occurred was practically a coup d’etat, except no one was overthrown, just the incumbents returned. The newspapers this morning will be full of a smiling Nicola Sturgeon, who it’s perfectly right to praise for her efforts, but when it comes down to it, nothing has changed at all in the majority of the UK, save for the fact that the Tory grip is now even tighter. Labour will take decades to regain trust up in Battered Heroin Land, and until they do, you’d better get used to the idea of a dystopian Orwellian future, or pack your bags and move north.
Still though, at least when Boris is Prime Minister, it’ll be a right old laugh and a giggle. Unless you’re poor, or something. But that won’t be an issue. Ten more years of Tory rule and there won’t be any more poor people in the UK. Unless you count the ones in the concentration camps, obviously.