If You Want a Terrorist for a Neighbour, Vote Lib Dem or Labour [a blog] #ElectionDay #VotingMatters #UKIP

john

… or the Greens, or UKIP, or the Tories, or SNP, Plaid Cymru, DUP, Sinn Féinn, or any of the rest of them. It’s really not going to make a difference. A terrorist generally chooses his house like the rest of us do. Price, nice area, good schools, big park to walk the dogs in. You can’t influence terrorists with your vote today. They’re really single minded chaps and chapesses.

You can make a difference by voting though, in most cases. Granted, if you live in a safe seat. like Romford (Coservative), Greenwich (Labour) City of London (International Jewish Banking Conspiracy), your vote is pointless; but if you’re lucky enough to live somewhere with a marginal seat, heads may roll. Real change might happen! Vive la reveluciatzione!

Well, not really. Unless you manage to get the Greens or UKIP in, the only real change that’ll happen on a local level is that you’ll have a different Bacon-Faced Public Schoolboy doing mostly the same stuff as the last guy, and blaming him or her for all the shit they’ve inherited. If you do manage to get a Green in, your life will immediately become filled with compulsory bicycles, sentient wheelie bins, and a tax on chewing gum. Get the UKIP in, and all the local cheap chicken restaurants will close, you’ll have to go to Christian mass five times a day, and your wife won’t be allowed to wear clothes anymore. Don’t blame me, you should have read those leaflets, idiot.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t vote. 16 million of us didn’t vote last time, apparently. I’m never sure if that includes babies and stuff, but in fairness, babies should totally be allowed to vote. They’d make choices as sensible as the rest of us. Maybe, instead of polling stations, we should all get a delivery of Farley’s Rusks, in the respective party colours, feed them to our nippers, and see what colour their poo comes out. That’s pretty much how we got the last coalition in the UK, anyway. And it’s been the way they’ve elected the Knesset for decades now, and that’s why everyone who has ever governed Israel has been a shit. No matter what colour they are.

What will change tomorrow, if we all go out and put our arbitrary tick or X in an arbitrary box or circle, in the the contented delusion of having a choice or a say in how the banks run our country? Probably not much. You’re only going to have one of two Prime Ministers, this isn’t the fucking Hunger Games. So, it’s a man who looks like fortnight-old margarine with eyes, or a man who looks like some wind-up joke-shop teeth that have fallen in a bowl of paté. Blue or Red, Stick or Twist, Same or cha- okay, Same or Similar. And maybe they’ll have to cosy up to someone in order to make up the numbers. Maybe Farage will get his day in the sun. That seems like a worst case scenario, but I’d actually enjoy watching it happen. Probably because I don’t live in Britain now.

Watching UKIP get into actual real government will be a bit like when you have a house party and someone gives a baby some MDMA. That baby shouldn’t have MDMA, and yeah, it’ll be funny at first, watching someone with the brain power of a 1987 Casio Calculator Watch suddenly having the means to do things they never imagined. But, after the laughs have died down, and the Best of the Prodigy CD is over, someone is going to have to get that baby some fucking chewing gum, a two litre of Evian, a massage, and probably an ambulance. That’s a metaphor, btw. And if you don’t understand what a metaphor is, you’re probably already voting UKIP today.

A look at the last five years will tell you immediately how much difference the junior party in a coalition with the Tories can make. Fuck all, basically. Because the Lib Dems are just Tories who pretend to be nice. They love the drug users and the gays, but only the ones who aren’t poor. Poor people can still go fuck themselves. If you’re a heroin addicted rent boy who can’t get his own place, and has to live on the spikes outside Tesco Express, Nicholas Cleggworth is not answering your phone calls, trust me.

The Tories hate the poor and the vulnerable even more. I know Dave Cameron rolled up his sleeves yesterday and talked to a bunch of people in tracksuits about how important a strong economy is, but that’s just because he thinks they are fucking idiots who believe that a strong economy is achieved in any other way than bleeding the poorest people dry, and turning their dead into Soylent Greggs. Of course, for the lower classes, the main reason to vote Tory has always been that they hate the blacks and the gays and the Muslims and anyone else who is a bit different from you or me. But that’s always been a smokescreen. If Dave and his lot were allowed to do a quick genocide on any particular social group in the UK, nine times out of ten they’d pick the very hoody-sporting, Brighthouse-frequenting, Lambert & Butler-chuffing white underclass that are abandoning them in droves for the lure of Nice Guy Nigel – a man who looks like he might be a laugh to have a pint with. While kicking a black in the face.

Anyway,  whoever you vote for today, guys; remember that baby. Not the one who shits out Israeli Politicians, the other one.

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