On May 22nd, the Republic of Ireland, like many other countries and US States, will decide once and for all whether or not same sex relationships should be treated the same as actual real normal marriages. The type God likes. For some unknown reason (probably Muslim Communists), some people are actually considering putting their X in the box that says ‘Yes’. Time is running out for the sanctity of the holy union of man and wife, so here is a list of indubitable facts to make you see that ‘No’ is the only choice. Okay, it’s not technically a choice, it’s an option. There you go, you’ve learned something already.
1. Gayness, there’s no need for that sort of carry on. Come on now. Two men? Kissing? That’s rank. I can’t be giving my permission for that sort of thing to happen. What’s it going to do to the price of my house? And you can probably get cancer off it too. Irresponsible, it is. Someone has to take a stand here, it might as well be me.
2. What about lesbians? How can two women get married? Which one will wear the dress? If they split up, which one takes half the other one’s money, and the kids? Which one gets pregnant? These liberals clearly haven’t thought this through.
3. The Children. Won’t someone think of the children? If we allow two men or two women to get married, and they get a baby from somewhere (Poland, probably), what’s that baby going to think? What if its first word is ‘Mama’, and it only has two gay fathers? What’s going to happen then? Pandemonium, that’s what. We need to protect the right of every child to live in a house where they have a mammy and a daddy. Children have rights. I mean, yeah, they grow up to be adults, and if those adults are gay, they won’t have the right to get married, but that’s beside the point.
4. Surrogacy and adoption don’t exist, but they will if you vote Yes in this referendum. Think about that for a while, let it swirl around in your heads. I mean, it’s difficult to consider two concepts that don’t actually exist yet, as you have no frame of reference, but still. We don’t want you to think, we want you to vote No.
5. Gay parents who adopt children will turn those children into gays, and if that keeps happening, the whole human race will die out by September 8th, 2017. That’s literally a scientific fact. From the Bible.
6. A willy doesn’t belong up a bum. God knows I’ve tried it enough on the wife, and it never goes in all the way. She screams the fucking house down and tries to beat me to death with the alarm clock. And that makes it unnatural, clearly.
7. Graham Norton.
8. If a pair of homos can go up the aisle of a church and be married by a priest, that makes my own marriage to a woman completely worthless and invalid. It’s like when you see someone on unemployment benefit with a new iPhone, and you have to throw yours away in disgust. I have a Samsung Galaxy Note though. I use the Pixlr Express app to make anti-abortion posters to bluetooth at pregnant teenagers on the bus.
9. Jesus didn’t die on the cross so that two women could sixty-nine each other and go hard at it with an 18 inch black double sided dildo. Or whatever it is lesbians do. That was just an educated guess.
10. If they pass Gay Marriage, a few years down the line, we’ll have to have another referendum, on Gay Divorce. I’m not having them queers be allowed to have a Straight Divorce. Divorce is a sacred institution, between a man and the woman who fucking hates him. God made Kramer vs Kramer, not Gaymer vs Gaymer.
So there you have it. Case closed. You’re welcome.