BAN FREE WILL NOW, BEFORE IT KILLS ANOTHER CHILD [a blog] #whatiwrite #neknomination #ecigs #morons

'Okay, now your turn!'
‘Okay, now your turn!’

Okay, I’ve had enough. Another young life snuffed out by the evil of Social Media, someone has to take a stand.

It’s come to my attention recently that our Nanny State is failing the young people of today. A terrifying new evil called ‘doing stuff’ is wreaking havoc among the population, and this government is doing precious little to stop it. Every where I turn, it seems that people are doing stuff of their own volition, which is leading to injury, death, or worse. Being someone who grew up in the 1980s and 1990s, where no one ever did stuff, alcohol was harmless, and stupidity couldn’t kill, I feel personally wounded by what’s happening to today’s youth.

When I was a lad, it was perfectly reasonable for your dad to drive home from the pub after seven pints of beer; no one was harmed, nothing ever came of it. My dad especially was immune to the so-called dangers of so-called ‘drink driving’. Mainly because we didn’t have a car. But enough is enough. According to a thing I read in the Daily Mail, there is a new craze called ‘neknomination’, where children as young as twenty send each other vile video messages showing them doing the entirely new practice of behaving irresponsibly while under the influence of alcohol.

Like any other craze, such as Meow Meow, or The Ecstasy, pretty much every tragic death this year can be in some way linked to people doing stuff of their own free will. The fault of course lies mainly with our Conservative government who, like any right wing faction, believe in letting people be responsible for their own actions. This never would have happened under Labour, who looked after the population with socialist measures like making sure we all got five fruit and veg a day, and giving all available local authority housing to pregnant fifteen year old girls called ‘Ashleigh’.

Under the Tories however, it’s a free for all. David Cameron literally expects our young people people to fend for themselves in a caustic environment of real actual dares that you have to do if you don’t want people to call you chicken. The result? Over a million deaths linked to neknominations. And that was just in January.

And it’s not just the neknoms that are killing our babies. No, in a crazy insane move, this government has allowed the legalisation of something called ‘e-cigarettes’, which are a terrifying offshoot of normal cigarettes, but might actually have Es in them. We don’t know, because no one has checked. Pressure groups have thrown legitimate paddies about these vile new glowing deathsticks, citing the unavailability of genuine research into the dangers of these smokeless, tarless horror drugs, screaming ‘WE HAVE NO CLUE JUST HOW HARMFUL THESE THINGS ARE.’

Unlike real cigarettes, which we are 100% certain cause lung cancer, heart disease, and skanky breath. It’s appalling that young people are going to see ACTUAL ADVERTS for these things on TV, and be somehow fooled into thinking getting hooked on e-cigs is ‘healthier’ and ‘less killy’ than bona-fide, high-duty,government-backed, lovely, delicious proper cigarettes. One pundit even suggested that we ban them outright, until we know for sure how dangerous they are. Presumably, if we find out that they can give you cancer and kill the bejesus out of you, we’ll make them legal again. But we’ll ban them in pubs, because that’s only fair.

I sit here and type this while in actual tears. My thoughts are no longer with me, as I have sent them to the families of the many, many children who have died from drinking an entire bottle of Listerine in one gulp, choked to death on e-cigarette fumes, or accidentally ate ten fruit and veg in one day. Please, David Cameron, read this blog and hear my plea. The only way we can stop this menace is to ban mobile phones, Facebook, and the internet.

I for one won’t miss any of them.


One thought on “BAN FREE WILL NOW, BEFORE IT KILLS ANOTHER CHILD [a blog] #whatiwrite #neknomination #ecigs #morons

  1. Oh, my god, your post seems to validate the rumors that have been going around that yourng people, and even some of us old ones, are…doing stuff! Up jumped de devil! And worse, some people actually die from the stuff they are choosing to do. Of course in your country, they died because they chose to do stuff. In my country, no one is responsible for the stuff they do, so if they die doing it, it is definitely someones else’s fault, eg: the skateboard, car or firearm manufacturer, the engineer who designed the road, the teacher who failed to notice that stuff was being done…you get the picture. Your artical has convinced me that we must do something about stuff that’s being done because if only one life is saved it will help convince people that they should never do anything, least of all of their own free will, and that, my friend, will save more lives. They may have become basically worthless, but they will have been saved.

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