When I was younger, the concept of a PC Brigade confused me. I thought PCs had a constabulary, and brigades were for firemen. Shows what I know, obviously. Actually, there’s one already- it’s not firemen, it’s firepersons. Unless they’re men, obviously.
Anyway, being a person who has a mouth and stuff and says words is becoming increasing tricky, if you believe the absolute lies you read in newspapers. It seems like a day never goes by without the powers that be banning some word or other, while, at the same time, the OED adds things like ‘peng’ and ‘happy slap’ to their dictionary, literally every day. And Google’s dictionary has amended the definition of the word ‘literally’ to include a second listing-
‘Literally: Something that is figurative. Example ‘My head literally blew off this morning, while reading Google’s dictionary thing’.
Anyway, back to whatever it was I was talking about. I’ve forgotten already! I haven’t actually forgotten, I was just pretending, like Eddie Izzard used to do when he was still funny. Or like he does now, when he isn’t funny. Here are some pointers on how to behave and speak correctly in actual real life, and also on the internet, which is like real life, only you don’t have to show people anything of you below the neck.
Racism: This one is always tricky. What do you call people who aren’t like you? So many of the good words are now consigned to the history books, the Republican Party convention, or Duck Dynasty. It’s hard to describe a black man now- almost impossible. I prefer to take Starbucks’ lead, and refer to them as ‘Without Milk People.’ I’ve had no complaints so far.
Don’t say ‘Chinaman’. For all you know, it could be a Chinawoman.
Don’t say ‘colored’. There’s a U in ‘coloured’, you idiot.
Don’t say ‘Asian’. Look really hard at the Asian person in question, and try to make a good guess of what type of Asian they are. Don’t squint though, it might be construed as an insult.
Don’t say ‘half-caste’. The correct term is ‘mixed-race’, or maybe just ‘person’, because who gives a shit what the ingredients were, as long as you like the cake. If you don’t like the cake though, you’re a racist. So stop that.
Sexism: This one, you’ll never get right. The goalposts are always changing, so it’s best to just accept the fact that you’re in the wrong. It will prepare you for marriage.
Don’t say ‘She’s hot’. She is the same temperature as women you find less attractive, stop defining her by your narrow view of conventional beauty. Unless she is on fire, then throw water on her, or call a fireperson.
Don’t say ‘I’d hit that’. It’s not a compliment, and the more aggressive you are about your claims to be able to ‘destroy’ or ‘bash in’ parts of a woman’s vagina, the more likely you are to have a tiny peen, and be a premature ejaculator. That’s just science.
Don’t say ‘She’s actually really funny, for a woman.’ There are a lot more male comedians than there are female ones, ergo there are a lot more unfunny male comedians than there are unfunny female ones, and anyway, you don’t even care. You only like the hot ones, like Sarah Silverman.
Avoiding Being Seen As A Paedophile: This is possibly the most important social skill in today’s world, so listen up.
Don’t say ‘What a gorgeous little boy’, if you happen to be a man. This will prompt accusations of gay peado, which anyone can tell you is a hundred times worse than normal paedoing. Just say ‘which football team do you support, son?’ and pat him on the head. At worst, people will think you a heteronormative patriarchal monster who is hell bent on forcing his gender stereotypes on innocent minds.
Don’t say ‘What a gorgeous little girl’, if you don’t have children of your own. Feel free to comment on how ugly a child is though, because no one seems to think that’s paedoey, for some reason.
Don’t say ‘Your baby is really sexy’. Seriously, don’t say that.
I hope this has helped.