Back To The Facetious [a blog] #whatiwrite

'Dave and Jim, watching the Mini Pops Christmas Bikini Special, in 1983.'
‘Dave and Jim, watching the Mini Pops Christmas Bikini Special, in 1983.’

Ugh, I was going to write about something today which didn’t involve sexual assault, feminism, or anything even slightly related; but, I open up the paper, and what do I see? Rape, rape, rape, rape, and the Chuckle Brothers.

Now, I have a confession to make. When I thought about Operation Yewtree and Paul and Barry Chuckle, my thoughts were only really in one direction- THE CHUCKLE BROTHERS WILL BE NEXT, IT’S JUST A MATTER OF TIME. So, imagine my surprise when, on picking up the Metro today, I saw  the headline ‘Chuckle Brother ‘thwarted DLT sex attack’.

Now, for our non-British and non-over 25 readers, I have to explain. DLT is Dave Lee Travis, a disc jockey/TV pop programme presenter from the 1970s. He is not a type of sandwich. Dave is one of those caught in the net by police investigating the whole Jimmy Savile thing, and also one of the ones who was quick to come out and scream: ‘Hey! They’re not investigating me for fiddling kiddies! I’m not some sicko! It’s just for raping women and stuff.’

Which is fine, apparently.

Anyway, the story goes that Dave was ‘playing evil wizard Abanazar in Aladdin’ at the time (so, maybe he was just one of those ‘method’ actors, I don’t know) and was allegedly trying to do unwanted sex up a woman, when a Chuckle Brother passed by the dressing room and heard the woman’s tortured screams [citation needed]. Barry (or Paul, it doesn’t say) promptly kicked down the door, floored DLT with a single judo punch, and rescued the woman from a particularly hirsute rape. I will never watch Chucklevision in the same light again, dear reader. Nor will I ever watch it again, period.

Inside the paper, I was treated to a sort of Greatest Hits of light entertainment-related sexual assault allegations, with reports from the trial of Coronation Street’s William Roache/Ken Barlow, who is officially the most boring man in the world, according the The Guinness Book of World Records, and all of his ex-wives. Roache apparently ‘raped a 14 year old girl, and then sent her a signed photo’, I’m assuming of himself, and not the actual assault. The art of the Selfie had not been invented in the 1960s.

In other news, everyone’s favourite cartoonist/didgeridoosmith/gleeful watcher of animal death, Rolf Harris was also in the dock, saying that he has definitely never sexually assaulted anyone. His trial proper starts in April, when a million twitter wags will doubtless post the artist impressions from the proceedings, accompanied by ‘hilarious’ comments like ‘Can you tell what I did yet?’ or ‘here’s one I raped earlier’. That doesn’t even work as a joke. Rolf Harris didn’t present Art Attack. Rolf Harris has never done any sort of Attack, according to his solicitor.

Finally, Freddie Starr was arrested for a third time on allegations of sexual assault dating back decades. The police are nothing if not persistent in their attempts to get Freddie and his spirit animal, Jim Davidson. One can only hope that, in both cases, someone comes up with something that sticks. Because keeping Jim incarcerated on Celebrity Big Brother each week is costing me a fortune in phone bills,  and I’d much rather Her Majesty’s Government was picking up the tab.

Tomorrow: Mr. Tickle Steps In To Prevent Davro Sex Carnival.

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