The Language of the Internet, Explained [a blog] #whatiwrite

Lionel Richie, from the movie, Stardust.
Lionel Richie, from the movie, Stardust.

A quick and easy, cut out and keep guide to what people say on the interwebs (be it Youtube Comments, Facebook, or just in a common or garden variety email), and what it actually means.

“LOL”- I find what you just said to be funny! I also find the sitcoms Two and a Half Men, Miranda, and 2 Broke Girls funny. I discovered the internet in 2002, when my husband picked up an AOL disk at the supermarket checkout. I am a quarter-wit buffoon.

“Genuine LOL!”- I also found this funny, but I found it funny on a more intelligent level than that person above me. I finished high school. I watch Veep.

“Hope you are okay.”- I have run out of different ways to tell you how much I don’t care about you, so this will have to do.

“Are you okay, hun?”- Please let her ignore this. Please let her ignore this. I don’t want to listen to her whiney crap about that guy she shouldn’t be dating. Ugh. I hate her.

“Wow! Looking good!”- Looking fatter than me, thank God.

“We’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one…” I am so wrong, and you are so right.

“Hawt!”- I am not 37. I still listen to the hit parade.

“God. I guess I shouldn’t have expected any better…”- Please, someone notice me this time. Please. Someone say ‘are you okay, hun?’ Please.

“Thanks to [Tagged Person], [Other Tagged Person] and [Several Other Tagged People] for an amazing night! Great fun had by all! at [Location]”- I literally don’t know how to use Private Messages, and I for some reason believe that all of these people need to be reminded that they were at a place, doing a thing.

“Hmmm. Not sure about this pic of me, lol”- I’ve just spent three hours Photoshopping this, and I look magnificent in it. If 46 people don’t click like, I am going to self-harm.

“LMBO!” Making it in an acronym wasn’t sanitising enough for me. Even the suggestion of the word ‘ass’ troubles me. Better replace it with the suggestion of the word ‘butt’. That’s better. I am the worst lay in Christendom.

“Oh wow. Thoughts and prayers go out to the families of [Tragic thing that has been in the news]- My thoughts are magic, and can travel into strangers’ brains. I also temporarily believe in God, because it makes me look extra-caring.

“WTH, man! That s***ks!!!”- It doesn’t even stand for ‘hell’. It stands for ‘heck’. Hell is a cuss word. My cunnilingus technique has been compared to an eel, dying slowly on top of a melted jelly bean. I’m just joking. My Mormonism forbids such outrageous defiling of a wife.

“You look well!”- You look fat.

“WTF? No way she should have been voted out!!! It’s rigged!!!’- I allow televised karaoke to affect my emotions more than the governing of my own country.

“Ugh. I can’t believe the Republicans think I should pay for my own birth control. Once again, a war on women! Time to act!”- Fine, I haven’t thrown myself under the King’s horse at the Grand National or anything. But I might do. Once we have a King. Or a Grand National. Brb, watching Real Housewives of Guantanamo.

“Gah, I hate [random celebrity]!!!! Eff that guy in the bee!!!!”- If I don’t say the swears, Jesus can’t hear the swears.

“Hahah @famousperson, If you ask me, it’s a case of [famous person’s overused catchphrase] Lol! Hahaha #lol #hahahah #genius #famousperson”- He’ll see it! I just know he will! And then he’ll reply, and tell me I’m the funniest person on twitter, and then Oprah will call, and I can buy a house made of gold, and people will like me! I’m gonna press ‘send’.

“Bazinga!”- The Big Bang Theory is better than Fawlty Towers, in my opinion.

“Pah. I can’t believe religious people. If I told you the paint was wet, you’d touch it to find out. But if I told you there was a man in the sky who created us and controlled everything, you’d just believe it? Imbeciles!”- There are no religious people on my friends list. This view will not be challenged. George Carlin is also not on my friends list. And anyway, George Carlin is dead. I’m George Carlin now. I am!


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