Buying drugs is such a chore, isn’t it? I mean, sure, you can probably get a number off someone, if you live in London. A number for someone called ‘Jay’, probably. Jay isn’t like one of those old skool dealers who make you come to their actual nightmarish council tower block and go up the piss-smelling lift to his actual front door. Jay drives the stuff to your house. But sometimes Jay changes his number. Or sometimes your ‘I’M DEFINITELY NOT THE POLICE’ voice sounds a bit iffy to Jay, and he stops taking your calls.
So, how do you get a new number to call? Well, if you’re a journalist for the Sunday Sun WHICH IS DEFINITELY NOT THE NEWS OF THE WORLD, you ask former X-Factor judge, one-time leaked bongo-flick star, and all round poster child for The Acceptable Face of Chav, Tulisa Constantinoplous. There are literally no other ways to acquire cocaine in the capital; it’s Tulisa or nothing. Them’s the rules. The respectable family newspaper was back on form last Sunday with its courageous undercover investigative reporting, when they literally went up to Ms Concentratedorangeopilos and asked her could she ‘sort them out with some Charlie’ (probably, I haven’t done the research). Amazingly, the famous pop star and TV personality had SEVERAL contacts who could hook a fella up. ‘Half of the people in my phone address book are dealers!’ she laughed maniacally, while being a bad role model to six year olds and telling them to inject meow-meow into their genitals.
TULISA IN DRUG FIX SHAME! the headline screamed, because it’s supposedly a CRIME now to hook someone up with some Bolivian Throat Lozenges. Well, fine, it is. But entrapment is probably a crime too. Probably. The idea that there are people sitting down to Sunday breakfast who were somehow shocked and appalled that someone in their twenties (who used to be in a musical group which had a hyphen in the name, and ended in a Z) might know where to acquire recreational drugs is kind of sad, as is the idea that a paper would consider it to be front page news.
Tulisa’s all right. She’s a simple girl who seems very grateful for the luck she’s had and the fame and riches that have come her way. Not that she came from anything resembling the Street Poverty that her image consultants would have you believe. Her dad was the keyboard player for Mungo Jerry, and her Grandad is so rich, he probably owns the moon. But that’s nothing new. Vanilla Ice’s real name is Robert Van Winkle, and RUN DMC all went to Eton. And are gay.
When some arsewipe leaked a sex tape of her doing mouth sex on him, she reacted in a pretty awesome, feminist way; telling young girls to never be ashamed of anything they do with someone they love, and to never let anyone tell them they’re ‘dirty’ or a ‘slut’. She deserves a free pass just for handling it like that, instead of trying to turn it into a career. (The notoriety, I mean, not the sucking of dicks, just to clarify).
About a million years ago, one of the Red Tops ‘caught’ celebrity bra-rack/social commentator/author of Labyrinth Kate Moss doing a drugs into her nose, and everyone said her career was over. Still waiting for that. Recently, the New Kate Moss, Cara Devilignigniene was seen ‘dropping a small bag of white powder’, which had the papers literally aflame (well, I set fire to my Metro outside Kings Cross station anyway). IMAGINE FUCKING THAT???? A 20 yr old catwalk model who weighs about four stone, DOING A DRUG THAT MAKES YOU NOT WANT TO EAT. I almost dropped my bacon sandwich into a hat, which I then ate. The hat tasted of bacon. And heads.
What I’m trying to say here, newspaper people, is not that drugs are good or bad. The law is the law, stupid or not. It’s that it isn’t news. At all. The shit that goes on in South America in order to bring those drugs into Tulisa’s nose, Cara’s handbag, or Jay’s BMW, THAT’S news. That shit is horrifying. But it’s apparently not as horrifying as someone from N-Dubz giving someone a phone number in a nightclub. And much harder to justify the accompanying cleavage shot.