You know, there’s no point in ever saying anything on the internet, ever. So you should just stop. You know the way in real life, you don’t get to argue with complete strangers every day, because you don’t know them, they don’t care, and you might get your head kicked in? Well the internet is like that, except for the getting your head kicked in bit.
The people you have twitter rants and Facebook thread arguments with are usually not your friends. They’re a friend of a friend, or just some cunt floating around cyberspace. There’s a reason they’re not your friend as well: you’d probably hate each other. So, going on a ten paragraph rant about why they’re wrong, why you’re right, and why they should listen to you, is a waste of everyone’s time. It doesn’t work in your marriage, and it won’t work on the interwebs.
Face it, when you come out with your deep shit, hackneyed observations and trite sentimentality on your own Facebook status, you’re preaching to a bunch of people who are either ‘your sort of people’ (ie. imbeciles), or some folks you went to school with who you don’t know any more, and who have already blocked you from their newsfeed. The first lot won’t argue with your fucking nonsense views because it’s a self-selecting group, your idiot friends. And also because they think ‘YOUR MAD LOL, HAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE IT’. The second group would argue with you if they could remember who you are, and/or if they gave a fuck.
Hey! Wait! I hear you say. I’m not a stupidhead! I done college and everything. This doesn’t apply to me!
Well, it does as well. Because you fucking ‘clever people’ are just as bad. (I say ‘you, I’m totally in this group). We’re the Smug Enlightened. Every time we read a fucking cracked.com article or watch a TED Talk on youtube, we immediately forget that the ‘facts’ we just learned five minutes ago weren’t in our brains when we shot out of our mothers’ vagina-holes. We ‘pah!’ and ‘duh!’ our way around the internet, schooling motherfuckers who haven’t read the cracked.com article or seen the TED Talk yet, because HOW COULD THEY BE SO IGNORANT? It’s the same as how we were all born non-sexist, non-racist, non-Mexicanist, non-homophobic and Knowing The Big Bang Theory Was Shit From The First Episode We Watched.
We are literally perfect, and we need to make the IDIOTS around us as perfect as we are. And the best way to do it, is by calling them an imbecile on the internet, then copypasting 40,000 words of Why We’re Right, which no one is going to read, ever. Whether we’re enlightening these unfortunate, ignorant souls about Rape Culture, the IMF, the evils of Religion, or Why Happy Endings Shoudn’t Be Cancelled, the BEST way to change the opinion of someone who opposes us is to called them a ‘fucktard’, and act like we were born amazing.
No one has ever in the History Of Ever been ignorant of a phenomenon, come across some crazy bitch ranting about it on the internet, and thought ‘Hmmmm. I could just go to one of the billions of other pages on the web and do something more enjoyable. But no, I will stay here and read this WALL OF TEXT which was written by someone who is being incredibly hostile to me! Perhaps I may learn something new. Here goes nothing!’