Are you fed up of waiting to see which beloved TV celebrity from your youth will be next on the merry-go-round of ‘He Probably Just Pinched A Waitress’s Arse’ cases, portrayed as CONNECTED TO THE SAVILE CASE, SO PROBABLY KIDDY FIDDLING? Well, wait no more. We’ve asked irrelevant 1990s horoscope cunt Mystic Meg to come out of hiding (from Operation Yewtree, probably), and tell us what (or who) she sees in her crystal ball. For legal reasons, I must point out that Mystic Meg has no real psychic abilities, as psychic abilities are just made-up stuff that evil people use to swindle grieving widows out of their pensions. Happily though, this means that no one can sue me for this. Anyway, over to you, Meg!
‘I see… I see a little boy. A schoolboy. He is very SMAAAALL, and ugly… There is a man with him. The man is entering him, repeatedly. The little boy has a vagina. Everything is fine. These people are not breaking any laws. They have found a loophole. It’s okay for this man to paedo the little boy, because the little boy, is his WIIIIIIIFE. The man is laughing. There is an audience now. The audience is not laughing though, as it is not 1986 anymore, and satellite TV has been invented…
The crystal… it goes dark again… Oh. Now I see another. It is a MAAAAN. He is off one of them art shows, for kids. Not the old guy… no, he’s dead, I think. The Hart guy? He’s definitely dead. I know these things. I can speak to the dead. Anyway, this man… he is an artistic man, who works with children. No, not the one who hanged himself because his girlfriend boiled to death in the bath. The other one. Yeah, him. HEEEEEE will have much hard drive erasing and knocks on the door at six in the morning, in HIIIIIIIS future…
Now! Now! I sense… someone else. Two men, they are both very ugly, and NOOOOOORTHERN. Possibly. They are saying something; it is unclear… the crystal has not got very GOOOOD acoustics… One man is big, and his face looks like he might be an UUUUNCLE. The smaller man, he looks like an accident in a face factory. They are saying ‘To-wit, to-woo; to-wit, to-woo!’, I think. Maybe they are OOOOOOOWLS. Paedo Owls. Definitely.
I see… a BOOOOOOARD. There are letters on the board, and some BLAAAANK SPAAAACES. There is a MAAAAN. He is tall, and Scottish, and he is raping EVVVVERRRYOOONE. And no one is reporting it. They are just IMPLYYYYYYING it. In their AUUUUUTOBIOOOOGRAPHIES, because their breasts have gone a bit SAAAAAGGY, and Shooting Stars has been CAAAAANCELLED.
I see a TAAAAAALL man… he seems a bit WEEEEIRD… like he might secretly be a GAAAAY, but no one really MEEEEEANTIONS it… He is standing next to a person who is pretending to be Chris De BUUUUUURGH. And also Chris De BUUUUUURGH. Oh, wait. I remember now… He got AWWWWAAAAY with it. I mean, he didn’t do it. The police just took all those computers, eternal drives and HUUUUUNDREDS of children’s DVDs away from his house, but nothing ever CAAAAAME of it. They still don’t let him back on the telly or anything… but he was INNNNOOOCENT. Definitely.
There is one more…. He is the worst one, by far. In his eyes, I see DEEEEEATH. He has killed once; a partner, a lover perhaps. I see FIIIISTING. The crystal is hazy again now. I see a roof, a fall, this one is laughing. There are feathers all around. Michael Parkinson is there too, he is CRYYYYYING. This… thing is unfettered, uncontrolled, unstoppable. His victims number THOOOUSANDS. Women, children, babies, CAAAAATS. He is immortal. He cannot be stopped by CONVEEEENTIONAL means. OOOOOONLY fire can stop him. The crystal grows dark now. He is near a child. I cannot stop him. STOP HIM! SOMEONE! SOMEONE STOP HIM! THE CHILD! THINK OF THE CHILD! The SMOOOOOKE of time is TOOO THIIIICK. The boy is doomed. The crystal is black. My power is spent.