My internet was full of a girl in her smalls today. No change there, I hear you scream, with an inane grin on your collective idiot face. No, this is different.
It seemed earlier on today that H&M had made history by using a girl as the face and body of their swimwear range-(UPDATE, maybe not after all- Click This To Find Out More http://blogs.phillymag.com/the_philly_post/2013/05/08/hm-plus-size-swimsuit-model-jennie/) who didn’t fit the conventional mould of swimwear models everywhere. You know: genetically gifted women who possess both a tiny waist, and an ample bosom. SORRY, MEAN ‘ANOREXICS’ LOL, EAT A SANDWICH HAHA. Quite. Anyway, said model is an American size 12 (a size 14 to you and me in the United Kingdom of Blighty), which is a full 12 sizes bigger than Size Zero. I mean, okay, it isn’t, it’s six sizes bigger. But you could still fit eight Nicole Richies into this girl, and still have room left over for Jarvis Cocker.
Women everywhere have been screaming ‘VICTORY’, while telling us that finally someone is using a ‘normal’ woman to model clothing. Yes, well. A normal woman who is a model. This girl is beautiful. Normal people aren’t beautiful. Normal people have faces like half-chewed dogmeat. Normal people stare at you on the bus while silently doing cabbage farts. Normal people are gross.
Even better, the awesomely charitable male friends of yours who saw the article on Facebook, and said something like ‘Gee, I don’t see what the issue here is. I would totally hit that!’ Yes, dear. Your ability to ignore a slightly chubby tummy on a fantastically good looking woman, so that she may not be denied the pleasure of your cock, is most admirable. Hopefully, if you tweet the sentiment, said plus size goddess may see your not-patronising-at-all declarations of outright penis-endorsement, and send you a nice message back; maybe suggesting dinner, a movie, and a long term relationship. It could happen. Those porky bitches ain’t got much self esteem. They’re more grateful. Oh wait, no. She’s hot as balls and you’re just some toadying cunt off the internet. Never mind. There’s always Kelly Clarkson.
There was a lot more in the paper today, but almost all of it was about paedophiles, and I can’t keep doing jokes about that sort of thing. Hmmmm. Oh yeah, the Big Mac thing! There was this guy, see. And he found a Big Mac in his jacket pocket, perfectly okay to eat and everything. Then he thought, ‘I haven’t worn this in ages, actually…’ So he did the maths, and it turned out that the burger was FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.
And then Jimmy Tarbuck tried to fuck it.