Soaped-Up Chubbies And The Rebooting Of Abortion [a blog] whatiwrite

The picture is related. All of these girls need a good wash. And an abortion.
The picture is related. All of these girls need a good wash. And an abortion.

That whole Dove thing is such a fucking swizz. Everyone’s all ‘Ooh, they like girls of ALL sizes! They’re not like the NORMAL advertising people! They understand REAL women! Finally, a company that understands what I need. Apart from McDonald’s, obviously.’

They’re selling fucking soap products, not underwear or clothing. You don’t have to be a size eight to fit into some suds. People pass around their Youtube videos with all their deep messages about inner beauty and body image and loving yourself, and ALL THAT FUCKING MATTERS to advertising people is that you remember the name. Dove. That’s why it’s in the title of the youtube video. Dove. 

 The girls they use in their adverts all still have naturally great skin to begin with, and they’re still selling you the same advertising lie that this naturally great skin happened because they used Dove.

It didn’t. They were born with better skin than you, they’re all better looking than you, and all of their vaginas are teeny, tiny little slitty ones, with the lips on the inside, and a vulva that looks like a child’s knuckles. And anyway, why wouldn’t Dove want you to be fat? The more surface area you have, the more soap you need to wash yourself. Kerching!

I think this Dove thing might be a bit divisive, so let’s change the subject, eh? Abortion! A thorny issue. Or a coat-hangery issue, depending on your circumstances.

There’s a bunch of stuff in the news about abortion. Mainly about those backward countries like El Salvador and Ireland (yay!)who continue to shuffle their feet on the whole Making It Legal To Kill Your Unborn Baby thing. It’s a disgrace. We’re in the 21st century. We pay our taxes. We should have the right to kill whatever we like, as long as it’s not born yet. I know some of you are raising your eyebrows over there, and thinking ‘Erm, it’s not about killing. It’s about choice!’ And you’re right. It’s about the choice whether or not to kill your potential offspring, for whatever reason you might have. Which is perfectly fine and something I am behind, 100%.

It’s socially and economically insane for some people to bring a child into the world. Whether it’s because they’re in a terrible relationship, they’re incredibly poor, they feel the child will grow up unwanted, or the mother was a victim of rape- there are tonnes of reason for ending a pregnancy prematurely. I’ve been there myself. And I’ve also been there when my partner miscarried. And although I felt very little about the miscarriage, I still thought we’d lost a baby. I didn’t think ‘Lol, fuck it. Was only a bunch of cells.’ No one who has had an abortion thinks it was a bunch of cells. Everyone knows that they’re ending a life/potential life, and that’s why they/we take the whole thing so seriously.

People on the Pro-Life side genuinely seem to believe that Pro-Choice people don’t consider a foetus to be anything at all; that we’re callous and heartless and we hate God and the Virgin Mary, and we drink Coors Lite, and so on and so forth. And we’re not good at correcting them on it, either out of apathy, hatred, or that sort of fingers-in-the-ears-lalala thing that extreme Liberals do when anyone mentions President Obama’s record in the middle east. And it’s wrong.

What we should be doing is saying: You’re right. It’s not a choice, it’s a child. A potential child that could grow up to be a heart surgeon or the President. But he could also have grown up to be a serial murderer, or (worse) Piers Morgan. And I took a very difficult decision to end that potential life, after weighing up the pros and cons. I don’t need to be told that I’m going to Hell, thanks. If there’s a God, I’ll make my peace with him. If I understand the Old Testament correctly, he LOVES killing babies. We cool, G.

When we hide behind the softer words like ‘termination’, we hand the other side weapons with which to hurt us.  It’s not very nice to be called a baby killer or a murderer. So, in order to take those powers away from them, we should change the terminology completely.

‘Pro-Choice’ is going out the window. I’m replacing it with the term ‘Abortion Fan’. It has T-Shirt potential. Get one for your kid. It’ll be ironic.

And ‘termination’ is a bit rubbish too. Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t going back through time to shoot your boyfriend in the cock with an Uzi. I vote we change it to ‘Power Slimming’. Let’s sell that shit hard to the target gender. Get them back in their swimsuits by june.

And ‘Dilation and Curettage? Who came up with that shit? It sounds like an all action Eighties  buddy movie, with Kurt Russell and Eddie Murphy. No, let’s take all the mystery out of it for people, and just call it ‘Chop Sucky’. Which, incidentally, is a new all action buddy with Jackie Chan and Paris Hilton.



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