So, yeah. You know that Welsh fella what definitely killed that little five year old girl? Mark Bridger, his name is. Yeah, him. I know the trial isn’t over and everything, and I’m the last one to go all Paedofinder General on you, but, come on. His defence is ‘Erm, I think I ran her over in my car and killed her, but I’m not sure what I did with the body, because I was a bit drunk. LOL.’ Yeah, he killed her, mainly because he said he killed her. I think he’s pleading Not Guilty though, as the Welsh aren’t the best at understanding things.
Anyway, the Metro (the Daily Mail for people who don’t have a pound) ran a story today (including photographs), telling how the jury in the case was given a guided tour of the area, including the Definite Killer’s charming council hovel. How this stuff gets in the papers before the actual trial is over, I’ll never know; but in this case it’s fine, because he definitely killed her. The best bit though, was hidden away in the middle of the article. Referring to a pair of cider boxes in the Absolutely Definitely Did It Guy’s living room, they said, and I believe this is verbatim: ‘The cans of Strongbow were allegedly bought by Bridger with his benefits on the day April went missing.’
POSSIBLY THE MOST UNNECESSARY SENTENCE EVER COMMITTED TO INK AND PAPER.
To reiterate, the Metro is the sister paper of the Daily Mail. The paper that claimed that when that psychotic man burned all his kids up in a house, it was a direct result of the government giving unemployment benefit to the poor. This evidence right here of course, is even more damning. In case you’re not clear, BEING ON THE DOLE MAKES YOU A PAEDO. I mean, Strongbow? If he’d only bought some pint bottles of Magners, this whole sorry mess might have been avoided. But no, he bought the sort of filthy, common people, 5.3% ABV, supermarket cider that fuels the scum of our country on a daily basis, and causes teenage pregnancies, happy slapping, and high ratings for Russell Howard’s Good News on BBC3. Not only that, he bought it with his BENEFIT MONEY. Benefit money that comes from the taxes of HARD-WORKING MIDDLE CLASS PEOPLE who slog their guts out for at least twenty six hours a week, at the coalface that is Management Consultancy.
It’s an inexcusable sin for the poor and miserable to spend their unearned gold on things like alcohol, cigarettes and flatscreen TVs. They should be taking that £67 a week and investing it in hedge funds or putting a bit away for a skiing holiday, like normal decent people. And why do they have to have the luxury of a flatscreen TV???? Surely they can go back in time to 2004 and buy one of those old fashioned, 4:3 ratio analogue ones, which no longer receive a signal? IT’S THE LEAST THEY COULD DO, THE UNEDUCATED SCUM. My favourite part of that sentence is ‘allegedly’, because they clearly made it up. The guy killed a fucking five year old girl; was is necessary to make people hate him more? That’s not even a rhetorical question.
Silly and forgetful as Mark Bridger is, he has turned out to be the Final Boss of Paedo Scum. He was a fan of Ian Huntley, and had photos of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman on his computer. He also had a whole bunch of photos of neighbourhood kids on his hard drive, which he’d apparently pinched from Facebook. And you thought all those viral warnings about ‘PAEDOS ON FACEBOOK STEALING PICTURES OF YOUR KIDS‘ were a hoax, right? Wrong again, idiot. Everyone with a Facebook account is out to paedo your kids. I mean, sure, they found a shit tonne of child pornography on the computer too, BUT HE DEFINITELY WANKED MORE TO THE FACEBOOK PHOTOS. That’s just science.
Police found a veritable Aladdin’s Cave of bad things in Bridger’s house. A rifle, hung over the fireplace in some bizarre tribute to the film Shaun of the Dead. A DVD of Shaun of the Dead, which he allegedly bought with his benefits. A limited edition nude calendar of Rose West and Maxine Carr doing lesbian stuff. Sixteen unopened cans of sweetcorn. A poem about Alma from Coronation Street, written in human spunk. A photograph of Rolf Harris kissing a dog, on the back which Bridger had written ‘Top man, Rolf’, in the sort of handwriting one would normally only expect from a gay.
Most importantly though, he bought two boxes of cider with his dole money. Cider so strong, it made him disappear a child. The sooner government start rolling out Universal Credit, the better for all of us. And for our innocent, moist children.