Sometimes, as well as writing stuff in the library, I read stuff in the library. It helps me to become more smarterer, and chicks dig it. Today, for example, I learned why people in Glasgow have such ties to the whole Catholic/Protestant or Nationalist/Unionist brand of sectarian bitterness and hatred usually associated with the north of Ireland. It’s because they’re all cunts.
So, the next part of my guide to making the perfect okcupid profile. I hope you’ve being paying attention so far, because it’s been absolute gold up to now.
Part one: My Self-Summary
It’s best to be original here, so why not try writing something like ‘OMG I’M RUBBISH AT THESE THINGS, LOL’. That way, he’ll know that you’re inept at even the simplest tasks, and also that you’re a fucking idiot.
Or maybe write ‘I didn’t know what to put here, so I asked a friend to write something!’. Yes. Your friend. She’ll write something fair and balanced. This is the same friend who is going to pin me up against the wall when you’ve popped to the toilet, and tell me that if I ever do anything to hurt you, she’ll kill me? I like her. She’s brilliant.
You see the bit at the top of the profile where it says your age, sexuality and location? Ignore that you’ve already filled that out, and use the self-summary to tell people where you live, what age you are, and that you’re straight/bi/gay. Again. Their time is in no way precious. They’ll tolerate it. Also, add that you ‘really enjoy’ living there. Or that you’re ‘originally from London and have recently moved back here’, because that is just fucking riveting.
Have you been stung by past lovers, or ‘friendzoned’ by many, many girls? Take this opportunity to show any potential suitors just what a bitter, grudge-holding lunatic you are. Make it quite clear that you’re an eternal victim, that all your failed relationships were the other person’s fault, and that you’re ‘not going to take any shit’ from the next person. You can of course cover this in your 1,600, paragraph-long answers in the Q&A section later, but it’s good to get it out there at the start as well.
People like to know important details about you, so make sure to mention that you ‘like having fun’, that you’re ‘very laid back’ and that people say you’re ‘fun to be with’.
Part Two: What I’m doing with my life
This is kind of asking what your job is, but if you like, you can just waffle on about anything you like. Make every failure of yours in the past look like a carefully planned decision, and be sure to over-inflate the importance of what you do for a living to the point that if you were writing this under oath, they would put you in jail for seven years. If you’re unemployed, just put down that most of your time is taken up by looking after your ‘little angels’. People with actual jobs love to know that they’re funding your lifestyle of watching ITV2 and smoking Pall Malls.
Part Three: I’m really good at
This is easy. If you write anything other than ‘Sex, and doing what I’m told’, you will die alone, with Alsatians chewing your face off.
Part Four: The first thing people notice about me
Acceptable answers include, ‘My eyes’, if the real answer is ‘My tits’. ‘My large penis’, if the real answer is ‘My small penis’, or ‘My sense of humour’, if you didn’t quite understand the question; or English.
Unacceptable answers include, ‘LOL, I dunno!’, ‘My Nickelback facial tattoo’, and ‘that I’m raping them’.