Free Sex! Every Day Of Your Life. Or Your Money Back (PART 1). [a blog] #whatiwrite

This could be YOU, this time next week. You could be a watermelon.
This could be YOU, this time next week. You could be a watermelon.

Hey! Are you single? In your 30s? This is because you’re failure at life, and no one likes you. But all is not lost. I’m going to show you how to create the perfect internet dating profile, so that your genitals will never again have to go to sleep dry. Just follow my easy, step-by-step guide; and, whether you’re male or female, gay* or straight, you’ll be drowning in other people’s toilet parts quicker than you can say ‘alcohol-assisted painkiller overdose’.

We’re going to use the template for our profile, because that’s the best website there is. If you are in a relationship already, and you met your significant other on a different dating site, it’s 100% certain that he or she is already fucking someone else. And they met that someone else on okcupid. That’s just science.

* I jest. You people don’t need any help. You literally fuck each other in public toilets.

Today we’re going to cover your Basic Details. Grab a pen. You’re not going to need it, but pens are sexy.

Ethnicity: This should be evident from your photos, but fill it in anyway. Racists will have put ‘NO PAKIS’ into their search terms, and you don’t want to waste their time.

Height: No one knows what height they are, so just guess this. Then, if you’re male, add at least an inch; because women are fucking shallow, and think life is a Disney cartoon. If you’re a woman, take as many inches off as you need to fool a potential suitor into thinking that you’re not a fucking prop forward. Men don’t like tall women. It’s only Rod Stewart who does. And he’s a cunt.

Body Type: This is easy. If you’re anyone other than Elle McPherson put ‘curvy’. Because we’re just going to think you’re fat regardless. Don’t put ‘thin’, or we’ll assume you have no tits. If you’re a man, just put ‘average’. That’s all you’ll ever be, you pointless waste of space.

Diet: If you put ‘vegetarian’ or ‘vegan’ here, expect no one at all to want to fuck you, other than other meat-dodgers. And you don’t want to marry another one of your kind, because none of your babies will survive infanthood. Just lie, and whenever they serve you meat, put it in your pockets when they’re not looking, and take it out later. Like in The Great Escape.

Smokes: Lie about this as well, it’s nobody’s business. When they taste the ashtray breath off you, simply tell them that you hate brushing your teeth, but you love performing analingus. They will definitely change the subject first. Score!

Drinks: Another one where you can’t tell the truth, apart from saying ‘socially’. And in fairness, anyone who puts ‘socially’, is the sort of person who thinks being social is sitting in your underpants with a litre of gin, crying over old episodes of Doctor Who, and how you never told your father you loved him enough. I should know; we can smell our own.

Drugs: Doug Stanhope says there are only two types of people who are anti-drugs: people who have never done drugs, and people who took drugs, but weren’t very good at it. So telling the truth here is a no-no. It doesn’t matter if you do drugs, and your potential partner does drugs. Drugs is an umbrella term; you might smoke a bit of draw in the evening, they might be injecting pure base amphetamine into their eyeballs before taking the kids to school. Being a drug user is like being a sex offender; not everyone is into the same stuff; and there isn’t a lot of understanding between each group. You never see rapists down the pub with child molesters, do you? Well, not unless it’s a BBC work do.

Religion: Are you white and British? Better put ‘atheist’, because that’s what every other white British person put. There are no Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses on okcupid. It’s literally against their religions. If you’re any other colour, or one of those white American types, feel free to stick down whatever god you believe in, and carry on with your fulfilling lives of love, acceptance and tolerance. We’ll be over here, pretending we know about science.

Sign: If you’ve put down ‘atheist’ in the last bit and put anything here other than ‘I don’t care’, you’re a hypocritical cunt of the highest order. Although, if you put down ‘atheist’ in the last bit, we already knew that. Just put ‘Sagittarius’. Everyone wants to fuck a Sagittarius.

Education: This is the bit where people try and figure out if you’re clever or not. You’re not clever; if you were clever, you’d have a boyfriend/girlfriend by now. One that actually wants to be with you. There are lots of options here, and lying is once again the best bet. I mean, who is ever going to check? No one. If you’re a man, pretend you got a better degree than you did, because women are attracted to success. And lying cunts. If you’re a woman, try to make out that you’re as uneducated as humanly possible. All men are intimidated by intelligence in a woman. If they tell you otherwise, they are gay.

Job: Think of this entire thing as a CV/a job interview, and you can’t go wrong. It really doesn’t matter what you put here, as long as you don’t put ‘writer/creative type’. Because everyone knows that just means ‘unemployed’. If you’re a woman and happen to be a lap dancer or porn star, by all means mention it. We’re very into that sort of thing. Just remember that if the relationship lasts more than three weeks, you’re going to have to quit. Because you’re MY girlfriend now, and it ain’t right, so it ain’t. You treat me like a piece of shit. People are laughing at me. It hurts, you know? It hurts. I love you, okay? I want to be able to respect you. And to respect what you do. You’re gonna be mum to my kids some day, you know? What are they gonna think? Jesus. Look, my head’s in a fucking shed. I need to go for a walk. I’m sorry. Look, I’ll be back in a few minutes. All right? I love you, babe. I just… I’ll text you. Promise.

Income: If you’re a woman, you can skip this bit. We don’t give a fuck. We’ve already made up our minds from the pictures if we want to fuck you. What’s in your bank account isn’t going to change that. Just send us some more pictures. Better ones. Of your tits, maybe. Sound! If you’re a man, just be honest about how much you make. She’s going to find out eventually.

Offspring: If you’re a woman, do not mention any kids you have. At all. At the very most, mention just one. And try to get a discreet photo of your C-section scar into your profile somewhere. Otherwise, men are just going to think of your vagina and picture that thing Boba Fett fell into in Return of the Jedi. If you’re a man, mention kids all you like. If you tell a girl your kid lives with you, she’ll be all ‘AWWWWW, OMG you’re such a great dad!!!!’. If you tell her you only see them on weekends, she’ll be all ‘AWWWWW. I bet that’s hard! Is your ex okay about you seeing them? Is she a bitch?’ You literally cannot lose, because women love kids, and hate all other women.

Pets: If you’re a man, be truthful here. A man who is kind to animals is a catch. Not Staffordshire Bull Terriers though. If you have a Staff, don’t say it up front. Let it be a surprise to her, like the inevitable domestic violence will be. If you’re a woman who has dogs, mention them. We have no opinions on women who own dogs. And if you have one of those shitty little ones that goes in your handbag, even better. Your role model is probably Paris Hilton, and you’re more than likely the sort of girl who could suck a tennis ball through a length of hose. If you have cats though, pretend you don’t. No one likes cats.

Okay, that’s enough for now! Tomorrow, PHOTOS! Maybe.

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