See that up there? That is quite literally the Daily Express front page from today. In touch with the current events, as per usual.
The Express is like the Daily Mail for people who think having the racism on the outside of the paper is a bit vulgar. It’s the Thinking Man’s Daily Mail; if you’re a man who mainly thinks about how they’ve invented a new 1p superpill that can cure heart disease. Or if you like thinking about Lady Di.
Lady Di doesn’t get a mention on the front page today, of course, because it’s not her turn. Today we get That One Photograph Of Maddie Where You Can See Her Strange Eye, as no other photographs exist of Maddie, apart from the thousands her parents took of her. But they’ve fucking paid for that one, and they’re gonna get their money out of it eventually. By ‘it’s not her turn’, I wasn’t being so cynical as to suggest that the editorial staff at the Express have some sort of system where they give an even amount of front pages to their two favourite pin up girls. There is no editorial staff at the Express. There’s basically a big fucking coin, with Diana on one side, and Madeline on the other, and every evening before going to press, a work experience girl called Pollyanna gets to flip it.
The story on the inside concerns Kate McCann saying that she ‘could probably forgive’ Maddie’s abductor, on account of her Catholic faith. I’d imagine the church itself might forgive the kidnapper too. Might even give them a job as a priest. Well, unless it was a woman. At the bottom of the page, they give us a snazzy cgi artist’s impression of what Maddie would look like today, if you’re one of those paedophiles who prefers a more chronologically accurate wank.
Of course, those two Page One Stunnas might have to move over and make room now, since Our Lady of Thatcher has slid down the greasy chute to certain hell, back from whence she came. Maggie is going to have at least thirty years worth of headlines in her, if the other two are anything to go by. They might have to get ‘boffins’ to invent a new 1p supercoin, with three sides.
Every reader today gets a free DVD of Mrs. Thatcher’s ‘Incredible Life Story’. I haven’t watched it, but I’d imagine it starts off with her being spat, fully-formed, from Satan’s vagina, landing on her feet like a wet baby giraffe, and then immediately getting on with the business of destroying everyone’s lives.
The front page headline was ‘4,000 Police To Guard Maggie Coffin’; which seems a bit much, but then you don’t want her fucking getting out, you? Those nails holding the lid shut were only designed to counter human strength.
There’s also a diet feature, where you can drop two dress sizes in 48 hours. Which sounds a little far-fetched. That said, you could probably manage it by having a third trimester abortion.
The back page has the only mention of the Boston atrocity, and even then, it’s an indirect, slightly racist one. ‘Tight Security For Mo’, the headline says, managing to make the leap that not only is the London Marathon under threat of a copycat terrorist attack; but that Team GB Gold Medalist and famous Muslim robot, Mohamed Farrah, is the most likely suspect if it happens. The security forces will basically form a human wall around him, in case he decides to explode. I didn’t read the actual article, but I’m 100% sure that that’s what it said.