Erm, No. I Was Watching The Brian Cox Programme. About Nebulas [a blog] #whatiwrite #BGT

'That shit is ba-mrghgrghghrghghrrrargggh'
‘That shit is ba-mrghgrghghrghghrrrargggh’

The newspapers were up in arms this week because an eleven year old girl was ‘singing about one night stands’ on Britain’s Got Talent. One of them ran with the headline ‘BRITAIN’S GOT NO TALENT’. I have to disagree. It probably takes an enormous amount of talent for an eleven year old to have full sexual intercourse; let alone to write a song about it afterwards. You go, girl.

You may not have seen Britain’s Got Talent last weekend. This is probably because you’re so brilliant and clever that you only watch good television. You can’t UNDERSTAND how people watch that crap, can you? Well, we watch it with our eyes, same as you watch Horizon, or Downton Abbey, or whatever it is that makes you feel all smug and cleverer than everyone else. Telly is shit, full stop. American telly is also shit, period. Some of it’s good, but most of it’s terrible. And some of the good stuff can be terrible, like Sherlock or Doctor Who. And some of the shit stuff can be good, like the first series of Big Brother, or James Arthur from X Factor, before you found out he had the sort of personality that made Gary Barlow seem like Hunter S. Thompson. Stop being a snobby cunt about television. We all know you pull your cock off to Babecast when your fat wife is asleep. Or your thin wife. Customer Wives May Vary.

Pornography, eh? That’s degrading to women. Websites tend to be called things like ‘SLUTLOAD’ or ‘FACIAL ABUSE’ or ‘EXPLOITED TEEN CUNT’. They’re never called things like ‘She Looks Nice In That Bra’ or ‘God, That Hair. Mmmm.’ And this is not the fault of the website makers. It’s the fault of wanking. Not even the fault of men in general; just the fault of wanking. Or, more specifically, men’s brains when they’re wanking. No one will ever call a sex chatline that says ‘Hey. Give me a ring, and we’ll see how we get on.’

That’s not to say that that isn’t what men would like to do, given the chance to talk to a pretty girl. Give them a ring, have a little chat, turn on the charm, have a laugh, maybe arrange to go for a drink. That’s Real Life though. Not Wanking Life. Sex chat adverts are not aimed at the casual reader. They’re specifically targeted at the purple-faced, mid-wank, sex-crazed, frustrated, brain-melted masturbator. He can only think in sentences like ‘THAT’S RIGHT, YOU SLUT. TAKE IT. TAKE IT FUCKING ALL. TAKE IT ALL, YOU FUCKING LOVE IT YOU DO, YOU DIRTY LITTLE FUCKING WHORE.’

We don’t mean anything rude by it or anything; that’s just the way our wanking brain works. That’s why pornography seems so awful when you aren’t masturbating. It’s just a bunch of women playing to that part of the man’s psyche. Saying things like ‘MMMMM, YEAH. MMMMM YEAH. YOU LIKE FUCKING THAT EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD CUNT? MMMMMMM YEAH, FUCK ME WITH THAT BIG COCK.’

All just a harmless fantasy, obviously. Because she’s clearly in her thirties, and my penis is tiny.

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