How To Rim Friends And Intercourse People (The Okcupid Chronicles #1) #whatiwrite

Disclaimer: This is not me. I don't have that much swag.
Disclaimer: This is not me. I don’t have that much swag.

Answering stupid questions in a HILARIOUS manner is my absolute favourite hobby ever. Here’s a small selection of my witty replies. You’re welcome.

 

Is interracial marriage a bad idea?

  • No

Well, apart from OJ Simpson’s one.

 

Do you think that masturbation is an acceptable practice?

  • Yes

I don’t need the practice, baby.

 

Do you believe in dinosaurs?

  • Yes

Where you from? You sexy thing.

 

Are nudity and pornography the same thing?

  • No.

Unless I’m masturbating to Michelangelo’s David. Which I am.

 

Would you try to control your partner by threatening to commit suicide

  • No

I WANT TO MEET THE GIRL WHO ANSWERED ‘YES’ PUBLICLY. Because mental bitches are so hot in bed.

 

Would it bother you if your boss was a minority, female, or gay?

  • No

100% of the women who answered ‘no’ here secretly meant (well, unless you mean she was a woman).

I know you people. I move among you.

 

Would you have your newborn son circumcised?

  • No, he can make his own decision when he’s older.

    Obviously. I had my own done because of a medical reason. I’m medically a Jew.

 

If a partner asked you to have sex in a sex shop booth with others watching, would you?

  • No

Of course I fucking wouldn’t. No one would. Whoever wrote this question has never had sex in their life.

 

Do you laugh when somebody trips and falls?

  • Occasionally

Only if they fall down a manhole and die.

 

Do you know how to use a darkroom to develop negatives and prints?

  • Yes

Yes, but I’d choose Photoshop 100% of the time. Anyone who starts on with that whole ‘I LOVE THE SMELL OF THE CHEMICALS’ is a pretentious cunt; the type who doesn’t have a Kindle because ‘THEY LOVE THE SMELL OF BOOKS’. Stop fucking smelling stuff, you windowlicker.

 

If you were in a serious relationship, would you mind if your significant other maintained an active profile on OkCupid?

  • No – This would not bother me.

Obviously I’d put a fucking electronic tag on her ankle, the cheating whore. But she can keep the profile.

 

Have you ever faked an orgasm during sex?

  • Yes.

But only to get the priest to stop.

 

Do you believe in ghosts?

  • No

I’d rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news.

 

Which are you MORE of?

  • Talented

I was disappointed that ‘A CUNT’ wasn’t an option here.

 

Would you date someone who has never been in any kind of relationship before?

  • Yes

If she’s over 16, obviously.

Stop getting excited, you. I meant years, not stone.

 

Do you believe that it is possible for two previously platonic friends to start having casual sex without affecting other aspects of their relationship?

  • Yes

Yes, I would totally pretend that this is true, if it made my platonic friend have sex with me. It’s not true, of course. It ruins the friendship. But it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission. Whoever made up that saying was a rapist, btw. We should not be still using that saying.

 

How often were you picked on by other kids your age when you were growing up?

  • Sometimes.

It happened in phases, as I got taller than them, or they than me. I learned to get out of it eventually. You think I’m going to say ‘by making them laugh’. No, I stabbed them. I got out of it ‘by making them die’. All of them.

 

Would you consider dating someone who likes to maintain more than one sexual partnership, but keeps these relationships separate from one another? In other words … Multiple partners, but only one at a time.

  • Yes.

But I would constantly try to undermine her self-esteem, and make her feel like the slutty whore she is. Obviously. I’m a man, aren’t I?

 

Would speaking in front of a large group make you nervous?

  • No.

I just picture them in their underwear. Unless it’s children or something. Then I’d picture them in my underwear.

 

Can you name 5 operas, and their composers?

  • Yes.

Phantom of the Opera, Oprah Winfrey… erm. That’s three anyway.

 

Say you’re walking down a quiet street in a small town, theres only one other person on the street and theyre walking towards you. Would you normally say hello?

  • Yes.

Yes! But then I would stab them to death, because I’m from Limerick.

 

Can a person be too cheerful?

  • Yes.

He can if he’s a cunt.

 

Have you ever written a screenplay or stage play?

  • Yes, both.

Neither of them were very good, as I was in my twenties. Remember your twenties? It was when you were a fucking idiot.

 

What kind of rides do you like at amusement parks?

  • I like them all, big and small.

Actually, I like riding the girls who work on the dodgems.

 

Imagine your partner practices a religion you don’t understand. Do you take the time to learn about it?

  • Yes.

Of course! How else would I be able to accurately belittle them?

 

Overall, do you think that what you do (or plan to do) for a living makes the world a better or worse place?

  • Better.

I create fucking universes. The ‘fucking’ there was just a turn of phrase. I don’t write Sci-Fi Porn.

YET.

 

What is next in this series? 1, 4, 10, 19, 31, _

  • 46

It’s 46. Stop picking ’46’ as an unacceptable answer, you too-confident fucking imbecile. Google it if you like. Then come back and apologise to me.

(aaaaand, relax)

 

Would it be a problem for you if you discovered your partner is a terrible dancer?

  • No.

Well, unless my partner was a gay, black, Spanish man. Then I’d be very disappointed.

 

Would you ever film a sexual encounter without your partner knowing?

  • No

Unless it was sex with someone other than my partner, duh.

 

Do you think safe sex should be taught in schools?

  • Yes.

Definitely. And blow jobs too.

 

Is it wrong to watch pornographic films if you’re in a relationship?

  • No

It’s wrong to buy the soundtrack though.

 

Would you be willing to study on how to improve your partner’s orgasm?

  • Yes.

I don’t need to study though. I prefer to cram it all in on the day.

Thank you, I’m here all week.

 

Would you describe yourself as sexy?

  • No

Everyone else does though. Everyone. Without exception.

 

Would you date someone who has genital herpes?

  • No.

I HEARD IT’S CONTAGIOUS.

 

Would you mind if your significant other fantasizes about other people while having sex with you?

  • No.

Anything that gets you through the pain of anal, dear.

 

Is your ideal sex rough or gentle?

  • Rough

Mainly rough. With some niceness in between. In between your legs, amirite?

God, I’m hilarious.

 

Have you ever written something on the wall of a public toilet?

  • Yes

My phone number. For gays.

 

Do you have a child or children?

  • Yes

She doesn’t really feel like a child though.

Except when I punch her in the face.

 

 

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