Today’s news update is brought to you by The Sun newspaper. If you’re not from the UK, you may not be familiar with The Sun. It reaches about seven or eight million homes a day and is entirely made of lies, tits, and lies about tits. Today’s issue is no different.
First up, tits. Coronation Street starlet Michelle Keegan, whose bikini-clad melons are an almost daily feature in the The Sun’s showbiz sections, was involved in a horrific scandal where it seems a photograph of her bare breasts appeared on Instagram yesterday, for six seconds, before being deleted. That was six seconds too many in our internet savvy world, as that was easily long enough for tens of thousands of what The Sun always refers to as ‘red-blooded-men’ to download the saucy snap. It was probably long enough for most of them to ejaculate over it too. And long enough for a Sun journalist to write his entire article, email it to the editor, and have some thrilling sex with his wife. And by ‘his wife’, I 100% mean ‘his hand’. The story was big news of course, because you could definitely see her whole actual tits, including the nipples. In the bath as well. A nice, soapy bath. You could almost imagine yourself having a lovely soapy tit-wank from her. Phoooaaaarr! The Sun of course spared us the sight of the actual nipples on their website’s front page, blurring them out like they were the face of a molested child on a hard-hitting documentary about paedos. The Sun is a family newspaper, where there is no place for nipples. Except on Page 3. Every day. Unless a Princess has died.
Next in the important news, Kim Kardashian’s ex, the ex with whom she had the sex, the sex which appeared on the mucky video which made her famous, that guy; well, he’s a rapper, possibly. At least he is now. And he’s only gone and done a rap song about Kim. It’s called ‘I hit it first’, which is seen as a sort of dig at Kim’s new man, world-famous egotist and alleged homosexual fish, Kanye West. Ray Jay has used a pixelated pic of Kim on the cover, so as to not make it so obviously about her. Well, Ray Jay; we’re all sort of aware already that you ‘hit’ Kim. In her vagina. With your enormous penis. That’s why we (sort of) know who you are in the first place. Duh. And Kanye himself has probably seen the video, so it won’t be news to him. So I’m not sure what the point of your catchy tune is. Unless you mean that you literally hit her; in which case you probably need to lawyer up. Or that you mean literally first. Like you took her virginity. Which is preposterous in itself, as it’s a known fact that all the Kardashian/Jenner girls come out of the womb already free of hymen. It’s like the way baby giraffes are born standing up.
In other, crucial breaking news, Emma Watson (of whom we have spoken briefly before, in an earlier blog- https://worldofwest.wordpress.com/2013/03/25/lets-just-get-one-thing-straight/) is going to play a POLE DANCER in a new film. Don’t worry, paedos; I’m not trying to April Fool’s you by say that and then hilariously revealing that she’s just going to play some boring fucking BALLET dancer who comes from POLAND. Although that would have been Epic Lol. No, she’s actually definitely (because I read it in The Sun) playing a real live fictional whore. Or stripper, or whatever. It’s all the same, innit? Child Sex Beasts all around the world will rejoice, feeling like all their Paedo Birthdays have come at once. And their Christmases too. Not since Little Miss Sunshine will the cinemas be more filled with greasy raincoat wearing Uncle types. And you didn’t even get to see nothing in that one. What a fucking swindle!
Quoted saying some shite she probably didn’t actually say, the young, lithe, nubile, (probably)puffy-nippled, legal twelve year old purred sexily:
“I took lessons. When I was preparing for the role I was studying at Oxford.
“So I had this surreal experience where I was studying the modernists, writing about VIRGINIA WOOLF on Friday night, then driving to London for pole dancing classes on Saturday morning.
“I was incredibly ungraceful at first. The upper-body strength and the core strength you need to do it gracefully is crazy.
“I take my hat off to the women who can do it. You have to be incredibly strong.”
Phwoaar!!! You can leave your hat on, Ems! Eh? EH? As long as it ain’t covering your minge.