I often wonder what it’s like to be someone who only reads the Daily Mail. I mean, I read it all the time by accident, because whenever I look for a news story on the internet, the Fail is always top of the Google search results, and I am (much like their brand of journalism) fucking lazy.
Today they were getting all shocked and horrified that Men Have Penises. There’s nothing unbalanced about this. Every other day, they seem revolted by the fact that women have breasts. Or vaginas. Or the vote. The story focused on a magazine called Vogue Pour Hommes, which I believe is a fashion magazine for women. I can’t speak French (I usually let the funky music do the talking), but it seems pretty self explanatory. On the cover of said magazine, a male model (whatever that is) called Jarrod Scott, showed off his pubic hair while posing in nothing but a raincoat. This of course would never happen with a woman, as women are no longer allowed to have pubic hair.
Inside the magazine, Jarrod (what else was he going to be when his parents named him that? I mean, come on) goes one step further, by revealing his actual penis. And it’s just a normal penis, really. Not a particularly big one, nothing unusual with it. It doesn’t have horns, or wings, or (from what I could gather) testicles. The rest of him is extraordinary, obviously. There’s no denying that. I put on about 5 lbs of utter shame just looking at him. But that’s not the point. It’s the principle of the thing, really. Men shouldn’t have their weens out in a magazine that children could read. In fact, men should never have their weens out. We don’t need to see that sort of thing, and I’m pretty sure that looking at a picture like that will turn your son into a gay, and make your teenage daughter pregnant. Because it definitely wasn’t me who made her pregnant. I was in Spain that week; doing charity work.
So, what’s next? Now that it’s okay to have a man’s dong in a magazine that isn’t even on the top shelf, will we now have full open-leg shots on Page 3 of The Sun? I don’t see any reason that we shouldn’t. And why stop there? Wouldn’t those property programmes on Channel 4 be a little more exciting if Kirsty and Phil fucked each other at the end? And how about Springwatch with Bill Oddie and Kate Humble; would more viewers tune in if there was a chance of witnessing some sweaty fellatio? They 100% would. On the continent of course, they’re already miles ahead of us. The most popular show on German TV is ‘Rapewatch’. It’s like our Crimewatch, but it’s just about sexual assaults. And the re-enactments are all staged by professional porn actors. And it’s hosted by John Leslie.
The Mail of course stopped short of showing the actual offending penis on their website, because that would be obscene. Why would they write an article complaining about obscenity while showing said obscenity again themselves, propagating the outrage and vileness in attempt to sell more newspapers? That would be hypocritical. Although they do do that every time they do an article about Rihanna wearing ‘skimpy outfits’, or that other time when they did an exposé on CHILD LINGERIE MODELS. They were so horrified by that concept, that they printed about 20 photos of CHILD LINGERIE MODELS, to make sure we knew what CHILD LINGERIE MODELS looked like; as none of us have any imaginations. There was even a WEBSITE, in fact SEVERAL WEBSITES where you could PURCHASE LINGERIE FOR CHILDREN, they let us know in horrified tones. It was there in black and white, for anyone to see- ‘Lingerie Pour Enfants’.
Of course, anyone with half a brain who wasn’t on the Daily Mail payroll could have pointed out that the website was a French one, and in French ‘lingerie’ means ‘underwear’. So, it was a website when you could buy underwear for your child. But that’s not a fucking story, is it? By the time readership of the DM had digested the story, they’d extrapolated it into:
UNDERGROUND FRENCH PAEDO SITE IN CROTCHLESS DILDO-NAPPY OUTRAGE.
(full penis available at http://ftape.com/media/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Jarrod-Scott-nude_Vogue-Hommes-FTAPE.COM_.jpg )