The Most Important Thing You’ll Read All Day #whatiwrite

That's right; chuckle while you can, cunts. You're so next.
That’s right; chuckle while you can, cunts. You’re so next.

So, here’s what’s trending in the United Kingdom tonight. I’m going to break that shit down for you, so you don’t have to explore any further. It’s ‘further’ when you’re being figurative; it’s ‘farther’ when you’re travelling some actual distance. See? You’re fucking learning stuff already.

Now, before we begin, let me remind you that I don’t do the research. So the following may be slightly inaccurate. I’ll try my best to apply my vast knowledge of popular culture though, so we should be all right.


Now, I have no idea who Marcus is, but earlier there was another Ask hashtag, to do with some guy called Jai. I clicked on it and read the tweets. I have no idea who Jai is, but he seems like a young musician type, who has a lot of fans with grammar issues. New music puzzles me. It’s all just a bunch of weird names, of bands whose tunes I haven’t heard, but the NME insist to me are the most important people on the planet. And when you do listen to them, the music all sounds like a cross between Joy Division and The Killers. Whenever one of them releases a new album, the music magazine headline makes it sound like they’ve all spent six months being raped by John Coffee from The Green Mile. ‘PARAMORE: BACK FROM HELL’, ‘BLACK VEIL BRIDES: THE LONG JOURNEY BACK FROM THE BRINK’, ‘DIXIE CHICKS: OUR AFRICAN FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION HORROR’. Anyway, who the fuck is Marcus? Maybe you should ask him.


Ooh! There’s a new boyband! I wonder which one is the gay one? Technically, all of them.

Iain Banks

When there’s no hashtag, that means it’s just a news story, rather than a trend which has been manufactured by tweeterers, Corporate America, or the government. Iain Banks is a writer who is also called Iain M Banks. I don’t know why this is, other than the fact that the M version writes Science Fiction. One would think that the reading public would be able to distinguish between his sci-fi books and his non-sci-fi books BY THE PART OF THE FUCKING LIBRARY THEY KEEP THEM IN, but then I’m not a doctor. Iain Banks is in the news because he unfortunately has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I said ‘unfortunately’ there, as if there was some way that being diagnosed with terminal cancer could be fortunate. Well, there is, if the person being diagnosed is Piers Morgan.


Is this another boyband? Maybe a really small one, like The Carter Twins, or Savage Garden? Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s some sort of new cocktail, made with Bailey’s Irish Cream, and Scotch. We will literally never know.


This is just a text message your mother sent to me.


Ooh! Ooh! I know this one. This is about Scousers, and The Sun newspaper. That whole horrible Hillsborough business, where Kelvin McKenzie’s disgusting rag made up horrific lies about Liverpool fans stealing wallets from the dead, and urinating on corpses, during one of the worst football disasters in history. Of course, people believed the story at the time, mainly because people from Liverpool are known for stealing, and for urinating on corpses. Since then, the people of Liverpool have all, to a man, refused to ever read The Sun again. Which is hardly a big ask, as none of them can read. That’s a joke, by the way, Liverpool people. You’re famed worldwide throughout the Merseyside area for your sense of humour, so I’m 100% confident that you can take a joke. Especially a joke about tragic stuff.

North Korea

It’s a country, slightly to the west of South Korea. Have you ever seen any of those Vietnam films? It’s pretty much the same thing as that. North Korea are always at war with South Korea, although they haven’t actually done any real war since the 1950s. That was when the film M*A*S*H was made. Although I think they made that film in the 1970s. And it had Dennis Hopper in it, playing a hippy, when hippies didn’t actually appear until the late 1960s. That film was as legitimate and authentic as most of the wars we’re involved in today, and it had Ross and Monica’s dad from Friends in it. So that’s fine.


I went there on holiday once. It was shit.


I’m not sure why Guam is trending. Or what it is. It might be some sort of country in Africa or somewhere. Maybe we’re bombing it? I haven’t watched the telly today. For all I know, some sort of Taliban group from Algeria might have flown a pair of passenger jets into the clock tower at Westminster, killing at least fourteen people, and launching a whole new War on Terror. As I speak, stealth bombers and pilotless drones are carpet bombing schools and hospitals in the oil-rich kingdom of Guam, due to some tenuous link between the country and the mastermind of the attacks: Ole Gunnar Hussein Laden. The hand of history is probably fucking literally on our shoulder, and I am none the wiser. Actually, I think Guam is some sort of fruit juice that you can buy in Waitrose. Or it could be bat droppings.

Til next time, fuck off.


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