Love In The Time Of Chlamydia (and other tales of internet dating)

There, but for the grace of  God...
There, but for the grace of God…

Internet Dating. It’s not what it sounds like, is it? You don’t go on virtual internet dates, never actually meeting the people, falling in actual love over the cyberwebs, unaware that the hot, sexy fifty six year old bald man you think you’re indulging in nightly mutual masturbation sessions with is actually a blonde fourteen year old sexpot with 30DD breasts and an arse like a shaved peach. No, that was the sort of thing which happened in 2002. To your dad. Internet Dating is REAL dating, but with people you happen to meet on the internet. Hence the clever name.

Where do you find them, though? There are so many choices. Some of them cost money. There’s match.com, which claims that 2% of people who were married in the United States last year, met on their website. Wow! That means 98% of them didn’t. So fuck those guys.

Then there’s Guardian Soulmates. This is a paysite, which is designed to get rid of that irritating phenomenon which occurs in real life dating, where you think you’ve fallen in love with someone, but it turns out their father used to work in a supermarket. That simply won’t do. No, GSM (as only me in the entire world calls it) filters out chavvy, working-class scum with a series of difficult questions on application- such as ‘what do you call that thing in the living room that more than one person can sit on?’ The choices being ‘Sofa, settee, or couch’. I put ‘Vanessa Feltz’, but they weren’t having none of that, gorblimey.

If you like fucking people, but you hate paying, there are some free sites to choose from too. Plenty of Fish is a terrible, terrible website. The profile feature requires you to put at least a few sentences in it; but for some reason, most people see this requirement as a slight on their very persons, and fill the sentence spaces up with lots of repeated asterisks, the word ‘blah’ written several times, or by copy and pasting the terms and conditions in there. God help the man who has to pick a wife from these stupid cunts. (In the interests of balance, all of the men on the site are also stupid cunts.) I have never seen a woman on POF who didn’t look like a whore and a slut, and this is doubly disgusting when you consider that none of them would agree to sleep with me.

Okcupid is sort of like Plenty of Fish, except it’s nothing like it. They ask you all sorts of clever questions, and build you a ‘Match Profile’ so that you can see which girls are most compatible with you in the areas of Dating, Ethics, Lifestyle, Religion, etc. Then you can just ignore all that shit, and send them a picture of your cock. Make sure to take the picture from the sort of angle which makes it look like you’ve got one of those ‘elephant foot’ umbrella stands nailed to your crotch. Women love imagining themselves being ripped apart at the womb-seams by a man on whose face they’ve never even laid eyes.

Now, those sites are just for normal people. If you’re heavy into kink, you can go on Fetlife. If you like men who are in the Services, the Police or drive big shiny red fire engine, there’s Uniform Dating. Hey, if you like the idea of rubbing your cock on a crippled girl’s knee stump, there’s even Amputee Dating. That one took off in a big way after the 7/7 bombings.

I found one today though which was even more kinky. It’s called ‘uk positive singles’ or something similar; I don’t write these things down. The (pretty cool and decent) idea behind it is that if you happen to be HIV positive, there’s an online community where you can meet like minded people, without fear of stigma or judgement, and maybe find some actual love. Which is very sweet. Well, I say ‘like minded’, but in fairness, they mightn’t be. They’re just sort of People Who Nearly Have AIDS, the same as you are. Otherwise, you might be a terrible match. She might be a good, caring, compassionate human being, and you might like going to see Lee Evans. Still though, beggars can’t be choosers, eh? You’ll definitely have a few things in common anyway. And think of the money you’ll save on rubbers.

The HIV Dating site is not just a HIV Dating site though. No, it’s for people living with herpes too, it turns out. Bad Herpes (HSV-2), Not So Bad herpes (HSV-1), and Well, That’s Not Herpes At All, Stop Being Such A Fucking American (Cold sores). Go further down the list and all your old friends are there. People ‘living with’ Syphilis and Genital Warts are invited to the party too. No longer will your syphilic knob walk the corridors of love alone, there is someone out there for you. And you too, old cauliflower-foreskin! Once again, you will feel the warm embrace of a woman’s slippery tuna walls.

But that’s not the end of the story. No, you can join HIV Dating if you basically have a dose of the clap. Gonorrhoea is totally on the list. Get in! And Chlamydia too. These are clearly conditions which can be cleared up by a quick visit to your GP, but the people over at Plenty of AIDS aren’t about to tell you that, and lose a potential customer. The more the merrier, is their motto. The last terrible condition on the list was ‘thrush’. People ‘living with’ thrush. This is a condition you can get from wearing tight jeans. Or from eating too much bread. Or from licking out a woman who has thrush. Regardless, it’s not life threatening. You don’t have to go get an AIDS Girlfriend just because you have an itchy ballsack. You could probably just slap a bit of yogurt on it, or pay £4.60 (I’D IMAGINE THAT’S HOW MUCH IT COSTS) for a tube of Canesten (I’D IMAGINE THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED) from the pharmacy. You don’t even need to go to the pharmacy. They sell it in the supermarket (OR SO I’VE HEARD. ON YAHOO ANSWERS. I WAS LOOKING FOR A FRIEND).

Oh, and if you were wondering if there’s a dating site for people with pubic lice, GO AND BUY THE SPECIAL SHAMPOO, YOU FILTHY CUNT. After that though, try Plenty of Fish.

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