Jesus is such an attention-seeking chap. Who else do you know who not only has a birthday every year (on Christmas fucking day, no less), an anniversary of their death, AND an anniversary of them rising from the dead? No one, that’s who. It’s always me, me, me with Jesus. On top of that, he’s all ‘GIVE UP SWEETS FOR FORTY DAYS!’, or ‘TAKE THE TREE DOWN, IT’S FUCKING FEBRUARY!’.
Always with the rules, always with the shouting. But if you were to look at him in pictures, all side-headed and serene, you’d think butter wouldn’t melt. It would melt though, and he’d magically turn it into fish, and then the kids would get a day off school every year on that day, and who’d be paying for the childcare on that day? Not Jesus, I tells ya. No, he’s been a bit quiet for the last 2000 years; apart from occasionally turning up on a tortilla chip, or on a dog’s anus.
It’s Easter; the season of giving, but not giving quite as much as you give in the other season of giving. Unless your birthday is around this time. Mine has been, a few times. Not all the time though. That’s how Easter works- because it has to be on a Sunday (in accordance with the story of the Passion, which probably isn’t even in the Bible, knowing those guys), the Church have a complicated system of deciding when it happens. It’s too laborious to go into, but let’s just say that when the main cardinal of Rome takes his penis out of a small boy’s arse, on the last Sunday of winter, if he sees his penis’ shadow, there are six weeks until Lent. If there is blood on the penis though, it’s eight weeks. And if the boy makes a satisfied purring noise, then Christmas has to happen in July. Just like in Australia.
You know what, it’s all very well making jokes about Catholicism and Christianity, isn’t it? Would I be brave enough to have a crack at Islam, I hear you scream. Well, I sort of did, because Jesus is a prophet in Islam. I don’t think they believe he was resurrected though; or that he was The Son Of God. Typical fucking fundamentalists, eh? Cherry picking what they like from the scriptures and disregarding the rest.
Islam is probably my favourite religion, because we Irish people had all the hate, xenophobia and terrorism (back in the day), but we didn’t really have any interest in Catholicism. Muslims actually believe in God. Like, for serious. Whenever our terrorists blew themselves up, it was usually an accident. These guys totes do it on purpose. So they can go to heaven and have sex with 72 sultanas. They follow the teachings of their religion too. Like actually care about them, as if they were from an actual God. In the sky. With (more than likely, come on) a beard.
We’d just go to mass because back in the Penal Law days it was illegal for us to practice our religion, speak our own language, or be in any way Irish. So it became a sort of rebellious act to worship the Catholic God. In true Irish style though, we did it in a half-hearted, hungover way.
No one in an Irish church is actually listening to what’s going on. We’re just there to make the point that we’re not Protestants. Same with our language. We learn it from age 4 to age 18, but most of us can’t speak it. We keep it up though, because fuck the English. And Being Irish? That’s another thing we’re proud of, and want to keep alive. It’s easy to be Irish, obviously. You just have to drink a lot, pretend that you’re the most hospitable nation on earth (while hating anyone foreign or different), and view with scorn and suspicion any fellow Irish person who deliberately lives in another country. Oh, and if your child turns out to be gay? Honour Killing.