Our Jesus Is Different To/From/Than Their Jesus (and 14 other reasons Islam is better)

We basically gave him 48 hours to get out of Ireland
We basically gave him 48 hours to get out of Ireland

Jesus is such an attention-seeking chap. Who else do you know who not only has a birthday every year (on Christmas fucking day, no less), an anniversary of their death, AND an anniversary of them rising from the dead? No one, that’s who. It’s always me, me, me with Jesus. On top of that, he’s all ‘GIVE UP SWEETS FOR FORTY DAYS!’, or ‘TAKE THE TREE DOWN, IT’S FUCKING FEBRUARY!’.

Always with the rules, always with the shouting. But if you were to look at him in pictures, all side-headed and serene, you’d think butter wouldn’t melt. It would melt though, and he’d magically turn it into fish, and then the kids would get a day off school every year on that day, and who’d be paying for the childcare on that day? Not Jesus, I tells ya. No, he’s been a bit quiet for the last 2000 years; apart from occasionally turning up on a tortilla chip, or on a dog’s anus.

It’s Easter; the season of giving, but not giving quite as much as you give in the other season of giving. Unless your birthday is around this time. Mine has been, a few times. Not all the time though. That’s how Easter works- because it has to be on a Sunday (in accordance with the story of the Passion, which probably isn’t even in the Bible, knowing those guys), the Church have a complicated system of deciding when it happens. It’s too laborious to go into, but let’s just say that when the main cardinal of Rome takes his penis out of a small boy’s arse, on the last Sunday of winter, if he sees his penis’ shadow, there are six weeks until Lent. If there is blood on the penis though, it’s eight weeks. And if the boy makes a satisfied purring noise, then Christmas has to happen in July. Just like in Australia.

You know what, it’s all very well making jokes about Catholicism and Christianity, isn’t it? Would I be brave enough to have a crack at Islam, I hear you scream. Well, I sort of did, because Jesus is a prophet in Islam. I don’t think they believe he was resurrected though; or that he was The Son Of God. Typical fucking fundamentalists, eh? Cherry picking what they like from the scriptures and disregarding the rest.

Islam is probably my favourite religion, because we Irish people had all the hate, xenophobia and terrorism (back in the day), but we didn’t really have any interest in Catholicism. Muslims actually believe in God. Like, for serious. Whenever our terrorists blew themselves up, it was usually an accident. These guys totes do it on purpose. So they can go to heaven and have sex with 72 sultanas. They follow the teachings of their religion too. Like actually care about them, as if they were from an actual God. In the sky. With (more than likely, come on) a beard.

We’d just go to mass because back in the Penal Law days it was illegal for us to practice our religion, speak our own language, or be in any way Irish. So it became a sort of rebellious act to worship the Catholic God. In true Irish style though, we did it in a half-hearted, hungover way.

No one in an Irish church is actually listening to what’s going on. We’re just there to make the point that we’re not Protestants. Same with our language. We learn it from age 4 to age 18, but most of us can’t speak it. We keep it up though, because fuck the English. And Being Irish? That’s another thing we’re proud of, and want to keep alive. It’s easy to be Irish, obviously. You just have to drink a lot, pretend that you’re the most hospitable nation on earth (while hating anyone foreign or different), and view with scorn and suspicion any fellow Irish person who deliberately lives in another country. Oh, and if your child turns out to be gay? Honour Killing.


10 thoughts on “Our Jesus Is Different To/From/Than Their Jesus (and 14 other reasons Islam is better)

  1. This article is, simply put – disgusting – you be ashamed of yourself. I am sorry for you that you are so filled with hate- I will be praying for your hurt heart. Blessings to you IN CHRIST Darrell

  2. I don’t mind satire or humor in any way and being Irish myself the “Irish Church” does not represent my relationship with Christ. I can give you leeway with much of you “humor’ but to call my Savior an attention seeking c*^t lowers you to the level of an unintelligible babbler, when I can tell by your writing there is far more substance there.

  3. Well I’m Muslim and I thought it was funny. You don’t hold back do you lol?! I’m not sure if that makes you brave.. or crazy. But hey you gun everyone and there’s a weird sort of equality in that 😛

  4. Darrell, I’ve seen The Passion of the Christ; your saviour is pretty thick-skinned. And I’m sure he can fight his own battles. I would apologise for offending you, but the fact that you’re offended on someone else’s behalf sort of makes me not want to. Someone who in all probability either doesn’t exist, or died more than 2000 years ago, I might add.

    Although, if he does exist, I’ll be seeing him at the End of Days, and we’ll sort this whole thing out, man to Son of Man. I’ve some stuff to ask him anyway, mainly about Popes.

  5. I don’t think the whole “Pope” thing was his idea at all. He did not die for our sins so we would have to share them with some “priest’ in order to be forgiven. That is between Him and us individually. I am not offended at all, but just curious why someone like yourself with such a gifted intellect that dedicates itself to the subject of Christ, is not actually desirous that Christ would reach out to you that you may know Him and the power of that resurrection,so that when you do see Him at the end of days, He will be all too familiar to you, and you will know Him as you will be known.

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