A Quick Blog Today, Containing Nothing Offensive.


The internet is a strange place. If you’re unattractive but have lots of friends and are also a woman, try putting up a photograph of yourself; INSTANT FUCKING GOODLOOKINGNESS ACHIEVED. Or just post any picture of you where the fact that you own breasts is evident. HOT! they’ll write. NICE BEWBS LOL! they’ll scream. OMG MARRY ME!!!!! they’ll ejaculate. This is actually different to the compliments I mentioned a minute ago; those compliments are lies. You’re fuck ugly really. But tits? Everyone loves tits. And if it was possible for people in the actual street or your workplace to be as candid as they can be in a Facebook comment, you’d get all the ‘nice titties!’ comments, all the time. And then you’d sue for sexual harassment, and write a blog about Rape Culture.

Racism is probably my least favourite thing about society. It was in the news today again, because England football fans were shouting Racist Things at their own players; namely Rio Ferdinand (who wasn’t even playing) and his father, Anton Ferdinand, who once accused famous racist John Terry of being a racist, but John Terry said he was just quoting Anton, so he got off, and was proved to not be a racist after all.

The jury heard Terry claim “No, I didn’t say ‘YOU ARE A NIGGER!’ to him. It was simply a misunderstanding. I heard Anton say ‘Hey, did you just call me a nigger?’, and, shocked and horrified as I was by such foul language, I simply replied ‘DID I JUST CALL YOU A FUCKING NIGGER?’ It was, for the most part, a rhetorical question. Also, a plane flew very low overhead as I was saying the first six words, so there’s a slight chance that all Anton heard was ‘FUCKING NIGGER!’ Which was, I admit, rather unfortunate. Also, the fact that I spat in his open mouth, and proceeded to drive to his house afterwards and fuck his wife, didn’t really help matters. But that’s football, really. We’re all about the ‘banter’.”

Homophobia is another issue in football, which is weird, because there are absolutely no gay footballers in the entire world. Sometimes footballers are accused of being gay, but this is usually a misunderstanding stemming from someone seeing one of them reading a book in the changing rooms at half time. Once it’s been confirmed that the book was actually Bravo Two Zero, normality returns to the team, and they can get on with the business of patting each other’s bottoms, kissing each other, getting in a big communal bath together, and letting the teenage boy apprentices clean their balls.

In other news, Sky kept running with the banner headline ‘LYBIA RAPES’. A bit of a sweeping generalisation, really. They can’t all be at it.


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