So, the other day my Facebook friends and I decided to change the US constitution, using red and pink ‘equals’ signs. It was pretty easy actually. Took about 24 hours, then the president had to change all the laws, and now it’s totally fine for the gays to get married to each other. Even in a church. It is! Go check Yahoo Answers.
Of course now, we’re fucking crazy with power. That’s always the way. If it’s okay for two lesbians to get married and rub their fannies together all night to a soundtrack of Janis Ian and Buffalo Girls, why do we have to stop there? I for one would like them to change the constitution so I can legally marry Jennifer Connelly. What? I can already do that? No, I want to marry the Jennifer Connelly from Labyrinth. With the chubbier face, and really bad acting. I know she’s about 15 in it, but I was 8 years old when that film came out. So it’s her who’s actually the paedophile here.
Anyway, that’s not the only thing I want to do. Why can’t dogs make a different noise than just barking? Who the fuck is it that makes up these draconian, heteronormative, Uncle Tom, sexist, anti-Semitic, bullshit rules anyway? Why can’t dogs purr? Is that too threatening for the patriarchy? Do they think that if we let dogs purr or cows make the noise of a bat, that everyone else will come forward and start demanding their thruppence ha’penny worth? Well maybe they will? Maybe Transsexuals will want equality next. And why shouldn’t they get it? They’re people too. Sometimes it’s not entirely which type of people, but they’re still humans. Who knows, maybe this time next year, Ireland might have given black people the Vote. We can dream, Kwame. We can dream.
Teenagers, eh? They’d be a lot more tolerable if I was deaf. It was the day when secondary schools break up for Easter today, so the centre of town was entirely made of Shouting and Hormones. I fucking hate young people. Well, the unattractive ones, obviously. But teenagers are the worst. Why are black kids so fucking loud? And while we’re on that subject, why are Asian kids so fucking loud? Not to forget white kids, who are also extremely loud. See? I wasn’t being racist. You were just assuming stuff again. Schoolgirls are basically the same as nuns or nurses; they sound good in theory, but the reality is seldom as good as the porn version.
Today is the Thursday where priests wash people’s feet, btw. My daughter told me this today. She also told me that they use prostitutes’ hair to dry your feet, but I think she was getting her religion stuff mixed up. Tomorrow, we celebrate Jesus dying. That’s right, our lord and saviour, nailed to a piece of tree until he shits out his organs and dies of exposure, and we’re all ‘THAT’S A GOOD THING. LET’S CALL THIS GOOD FRIDAY’. The day after is Easter Saturday, where fuck all of note happened at all. I just wiki’d to be sure. Then it’s Easter Sunday, or as fat people call it ‘The Day of Extended Breakfast’. On Monday, we have Easter Monday (a pattern is emerging here), where God said: ‘Have another fucking Bank Holiday. A nice day off, and get paid for it too! Unless you’re one of those people who didn’t go to university and now works in retail or a café. You people will just have to work and stuff. Because the rest of us need Cinnabons.’
There will be another one of these blogs tomorrow; whether you like it or not.