I Literally Just Thought Of All Of This. You’re Welcome.

The Sun Newspaper: Thinking McDonald's is Burger King, since 1967.
The Sun Newspaper: Thinking McDonald’s is Burger King, since 1967.

I can’t even tell if Jon Hamm’s penis is large or small, from its flaccid state; I just know I want it in and around my mouth. Probably. I mean, it’s hard- it’s difficult to tell what I like any more. I’m constantly being walloped with Internet Things. It’s either play along or find yourself forever out of the loop. And if you’re out of the loop, what the fuck are you going to talk to 17 year old girls on Skype about, in between wank parades? Think ahead, man.

I think it was that Korean thing which caught me first. Everyone was all: LOL!!!! OPEN GANGBANG STYLE, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! and I was a bit: Excuse me? When I finally heard it/saw it, I just thought: Oh, someone’s mixed Run DMC’s It’s Like That with Benny Benassai’s Satisfaction, and got some old Chinese sex case to do a dance for it. That’s just brilliant. Can I buy it? Do they have it on MiniDisc?

Or the Friday thing. Everyone on the entire fucking planet was trying to make me watch a music video by some poor 13 year old disabled girl, for no other reason than it was fucking awful. What’s that about? So bad it’s good? There is no such thing. You can’t be so fat you’re thin. You can’t be so stupid you’re clever. You can’t be so facially nondescript you’re Ryan Gosling. Oh, wait. The last one you can be. Otherwise no though.

And even the things which are supposed to be good because they’re good. Mumford & Sons? What even is that? Some posh people saying ‘fuck’, mainly. If a Mumford & Sons fan ever heard Ice Cube saying ‘fuck’, they’d have him thrown in jail. That’s not likely to happen now though, since becoming rich, Ice Cube no longer says ‘fuck’. He is also no longer called Ice Cube. And he’s white.

What about One Direction? They printed the ‘playlist’ in the paper the other day for their O2 shows. I didn’t really recognise any of the TWENTY THREE fucking songs. Apart from the one called What Makes You Beautiful, obviously. Apparently, what makes a girl beautiful is humility, a lack of understanding of just how hot she is, and generally her not being a bitch. These boys are just pups now. When they get to my age they’ll understand that, in fact, what makes a girl beautiful is just three things.

– Nice make-up
– Flattering lighting
– My cock down her throat

Until next time, God bless.

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