Does ‘All Coppers Are Bastards’ Go In Non Fiction Or Fiction, Barbara?

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Every other day my newspaper has a story where some errant child runs up a bill of hundreds, sometimes thousands, buying add-ons for ‘free’ games on his parent’s iPad. Seemingly, the four hundred ‘ARE YOU SURE?’ messages, and the need to input the owner’s username and password, didn’t deter those enterprising little tykes. And when the dust settles, Mum and Dad go straight to Apple, claiming fraud and negligence, and demanding their money back. Now, I’m not saying that we’re too soft on our kids; but this would have never happened to Fred and Rose West. Some food for thought, maybe.

In other child-app related news, a seventeen year old boy has created an app that summarises news headlines (or some shit, I haven’t done the research), and Yahoo have apparently bought it off him for £19 million. While I am 100% sure that this figure was just made up on the spot by the coke-addled editor of my morning free paper, one sort of wonders how this sort of thing could happen. Could we all do this? Is there gold in them there hills for anyone with a bit of clever and a knack for new ideas? Well, apparently he developed the app ‘with the help of a Venture Capitalist from Hong Kong‘. Oh right, one of those guys. I meet guys like that every day in the veg aisle at Tesco. He also had help from Stephen Fry, Yoko Ono and ASHTON KUTCHER. After that, I stopped reading, because now I know this kid is no ordinary 17 year old. This kid’s dad probably owns Philip Morris, and is drinking buddies with the guy who exports most of the Bouncing Betty land mines which kill babies in Sierra Leone. I haven’t done the research, but that’s probably 100% accurate.

Speaking of cunts, our library now has its own policemen. I shit you not. I don’t know how many suspects these guys accidentally raped or killed to get busted down to Library Detail (possibly by an angry black captain with a moustache), but this is their life now. This is how they serve.

Being a Library Policeman basically involves walking around and checking if people using the electrical sockets to charge their laptops or phones have paid a pound to do so. That is literally their job. The fucking Electricity Police. And of course, being policemen, they still walk around like the cockiest fuckers in existence; growling alpha-like at anyone who looks a bit ethnic.

A man came in and had a conversation with one of the Book Bobbies today, and I learned a lot by eavesdropping. Apparently, before Captain Plugsocket arrived, the library was awash with crime. Oh yeah, there were ‘people eating sandwiches’ in plain fucking sight of the staff. And ‘druggies’ using the place to sleep. No proof offered of said druggies’ actual narcotic use, of course. They were just people asleep in the daytime. And that’s a druggie, if you happen to be a copper. Or basically anyone who isn’t white. Those people don’t even have to fall asleep. They’re still druggies. He said a few more things, but the gist was he was there to ‘stop people taking the piss’.

The other man had his own story, of course. He ‘used to be a teacher’. He isn’t now, because ‘kids today are fucking impossible. They’re always telling you they know their rights. It’s not like in our day.’ Yes, those evil little fuckers. Not only do they have RIGHTS. Some of the little cunts have the cheek to ACTUALLY KNOW THEM. Not like in his day, eh? When teachers could punch you in the fucking face for forgetting your homework. Them were the good old days all right. Anyone a bit brown in the class was called ‘Inky’, ten year olds had their own Smoking Room, and if a girl was good at maths, you could call her a lesbian.

But no, kids today? Can’t hit them. Can’t abuse their human rights. Can’t even waterboard them without Social Services sticking their oar in. This is why he left the profession. At least I think that’s what he said. I’d fallen asleep by that point.

 

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