Let’s Just Get One Thing Straight

Nope!
Nope!

If you find Emma Watson attractive, you are a paedophile. There’s no ‘ooh’ or ‘aah’ or ‘but I just’ about it. You’re a nonce. I don’t care after which Harry Potter film you told yourself it was acceptable; it’s all the same. You want to do penis in a baby’s vajayjay. She has looked exactly the same for the past ten years (well, naked anyway), so all your talk of ‘Oh, but she models for Burberry now!’ is redundant. If you find fashion models attractive, you are also a paedophile. Or Terry Richardson. Which is practically the same thing. (note from my lawyers: it’s only a 99% possibility that it’s exactly the same thing.)

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being a paedophile, per se; although God knows the Daily Mail, the BBC, and ‘society’ would like you to believe so (not the Pope though; he thinks you’re awesome). I’m just saying stop lying to yourself; you like infant vadge, errrryday. Even if you’ve never seen the films, and have only read the books; you still find Hermione sexy, and that’s enough. And book paedoness is even worse than film/photo paedoness, because Sun readers are doubly suspicious of you.

Same with that thing where you think the girl from Little Miss Sunshine gave ‘a great performance, beyond her years’. Not as good as the performance your cock gave during the stripping scene, when you rewatched it later, after everyone else had gone to bed. Thought no one saw you? God saw you, and that’s what counts.

Did you like Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire? Of course you did, you kiddy-fiddling bastard. Natalie Portman in Leon? You are the King of the Paedos, now that Savile is in Hell. You pulled the sword out of the stone to claim your birthright. And by ‘the stone’, I meant ‘Elle Fanning’, and by ‘the sword’, i meant ‘your knob’, and by ‘pulled out’, I meant ‘shot your steaming man-muck all over your laptop screen while watching I Am Sam.

Panic Room? Paedo. Bugsy Malone? Multi-Paedo. Look Who’s Talking Too? You’re such a paedo you didn’t even get through the opening credits, and that was just some sperms and some eggs. That’s a whole new kind of paedoing; that’s pre-emptive noncing.

Selena Gomez is legal now. Not in your wank-bank she isn’t. You’re having some wank-nostalgia with her, even as we speak. Miley Cyrus? SAME THING. Christian Bale in Empire of the Sun? EWWWW. You’re the worst kind of paedophile. You’re a gaydophile. Just like Michael Jackson probably was (note from my lawyers: meh, he’s dead)

When you watched the video for Stacy’s Mom by the Fountains of Wayne, did you find yourself thinking ‘Well, Stacy’s Mom is all right I suppose; but Stacy’s kind of hotter! LOL!’ And did you then try and qualify it by adding that you were speaking in the context of imagining yourself in the role of the young boy in the video, not speaking for your actual grown up self? Yeah, you and 40 million other paedos on Youtube, son.

What I’m trying to say here is, there was nothing much in the paper.

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