Rape: Not Recommended For Girls (pretending to be boys). And Other Stories!

rachel-weisz-covers-esquire-uk-april-2013-01Okay, okay, okay. Justine McNally…  Explain this one to me again. So there’s a seventeen year old girl, and she pretends to be a boy, and tricks a sixteen year old girl into dating ‘him’. The younger girl doesn’t suspect a thing. She even ‘loses her virginity’ to ‘Scott’, in a ‘darkened bedroom’. Then some auntie or other finds a bra in Scott’s backpack. Oh, and a  fucking strap-on. And the game is up. Fair enough so far, you’re thinking. We all do silly things when we’re younger. But, wait: THEY JUST JAILED THE GIRL WHO WAS PRETENDING TO BE A BOY. For THREE YEARS.

That is now a crime. Watch the fuck out, Chas Bono. No, though. They prosecuted her, tried her and now they’ve banged her up. WHAT WAS THIS CRIME SHE COMMITTED, I HEAR NONE OF YOU ASKING. Here’s what it was, apparently: ‘She obtained consent to physical intimacy between them by fraud,’ said the prosecuting solicitor guy.

So, she got someone to have sex with her by telling lies; pretending to be something she wasn’t; lying about her intentions? THIS IS HOW EVERY MAN HAS ACQUIRED SEX IN EVERY SITUATION EVER, WITH NO EXCEPTIONS.

But when you girls do it, it’s a crime, and they put you in jail for three years. The moral of the story here is: if you want to get away with rape, make sure that you’re male. Just pretending to be male? Doesn’t work.

In other news, Miley Cyrus set the internet alive by doing a sexy dance on youtube, dressed as a unicorn, my morning paper told me today. Don’t even bother. She’s dressed in some sort of baby-grow,  the picture is all grainy and stuff, and nothing remotely filthy happens. I’ve seen more Cyrus-related sexual frisson in family photos where her dad is hugging her ‘a bit too tightly’.

A man in Carmarthen, South Wales has apparently got four kidneys and three pancreases inside him, due to Welsh surgeons being incredibly fucking lazy (I’d imagine). I so wanted this to be a story from Scotland, so I could make jokes about him being a human haggis. As it is, I’m just going to call him an offal cunt.

World’s greatest/skinniest/eyebrowiest supermodel Cara Delevigne did some sort of topless video thing, but I’m not going to watch it. She’s super-gorge and all that, but topless? I’ve seen more tits on Tom Daley’s back.

I must go now; I have a date later, with a seventeen year autistic old boy who I’ve convinced that I’m actually Rachel Weisz. We are so gonna bone.

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