Nick, Nik Nik, Nick Nick? Stuff Getting On My Wick, And My Poor Swollen Dick

The Perfect Storm of Cunt
The Perfect Storm of Cunt

My favourite bands are the Stone Roses and The Smiths, and I’ve never been interested in seeing a tribute band of either; no matter how good they are. I wanted to see the Roses in 1995, I think it was, but John broke his arm and they cancelled. Then they split up. So that was literally that.

I don’t want to see the Stone Roses now that they’re back together. The idea of seeing my musical idols standing on stage, pretending to like each other for money, while I dance around a field with a bunch of people who are a perpetual fucking reminder of how not fifteen I am any more? That is my personal idea of hell. Well that, or having sex with someone who says ‘could of’ when they should be saying ‘could have’.

Welcome to Day Two of the most informative, hilarious, and downright sexy blog I’ve ever written ever (this week). Did that last comma need to be there? We’ll literally never know.

I was hating people today, even more than normal. The bus driver who wouldn’t understand that the Oyster machine was broken; the Jews, back people, white people, the concept of ennui, that fucking tiger on the Frosties box, my father, the Chinese, Diego Maradona, Madonna, the Irish, homeless people, swans, the Dutch, asphalt, everyone who was ever born, Kanye West (twice), Pope Francis, Muhammed Ali, etc. Then I realised that it was just that I hadn’t had a wank since Monday. I’m like that, you see. I’m sensual.

So, what’s in the news?

Well there was a  budget. That’s not important. What’s important is, just a few years after jumping from the New Labour ship like the stinking vermin that he is, Rupert Murdoch has decided he doesn’t like the Tories now; Cameron in particular. Mainly because of all that Press Charter stuff. He got right fucked off with him in The Sun the other day. You know, in that bit on page 6 which tells the readers how to think. So now, there’s only the Lib Dems for old Rupe to support. It’s quite literally The Sun Wot Wins Elections, so the next one is clearly going to be a landslide for (direct descendant of Russia’s evil Tsars and Czars) Nick Clegg, and his 106 year old sidekick Vince ‘I knew Kane and Abel’ Cable.

This will be brilliant for the UK, as, despite obviously being a massive cunt who lies through his teeth and wants students to die from lack of Pot Noodle, Nick Clegg is the leader of a party who are basically the Tories on LSD. They hate the poor, the working classes and anyone who watches ITV2, but they want to legalise weed, and are totally okay with the practice of having a rent boy shit in your actual mouth, because you happen to be depressed about going bald. That’s my kind of party right there. All we need is for Boris to switch allegiances and become President of a new British Republic, after a Russell Brand-led revolution topples the Queen, and turns Buckinghm Palace into a needle exchange for Muslim paedophiles.

Jim Davidson has been re-arrested on sex charges relating to Operation Yewtree, but unfortunately it doesn’t look like it’s anything too paedo. As a result, the mouthbreathing fucktards who love his brand of woman-hating, racist, homophobic, Islamophobicly hilarious brand of belly-laugh comedy will probably carry on attending his shows on Southend Pier, where he gleefully (and without any notion of the definition of Irony) complains about the country going to shit because of Muslims and immigrants, so much so that he left it to go and live in Dubai. His fans will forgive him, naturally, and see his probable incarceration for rape as another case of ‘political correctness gone mad’. These are the sort of folk who say things like ‘YOU CAN’T EVEN HIT YOUR KIDS NO MORE, IT’S A BLOODY DISGRACE!’, or ‘AREN’T BLACK PEOPLE AWFUL?’ I hope they throw the book at Jim Davidson. And I hope the book is a metal plated copy of the Qur’an, and that it hits him in the fucking head and kills him.

Finally, in some more light-hearted news, twitter celebrates its seventh birthday today, and everyone who likes it is still a cunt.

More tomorrow!

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