At the time of writing, the United Kingdom is a bit of a divided kingdom. Is it even a kingdom? Isn’t it sort of a queendom? Thanks, Patriarchy! And even then, is it a kingdom/queendom at all? Well, apparently it is, because whomever wanted to be the Prime Minister had to give a sort of note from their mum to Her Maj, saying how great they’d be at it, and if anyone else wanted to have a go, they had to give their own note to her. But it didn’t really matter that much, because she wasn’t allowed to say no anyway. Thanks, Cromwell! (Probably).
How does the British electoral system even work? No one knows, really. Certainly not the general public, or the press, or your friend Kev who hates the French but has a French flag on his Facebook profile, because he hates Muslims even more. How can there be coalitions in a First Past the Post system? How can there be a minority government when a coalition is a choice? How can Labour lose by 60 seats and it feels like a win, or the Tories win but it feels like a disaster? That’s the beauty of it. No one knows. And you should just stop asking now, cos Auntie Theresa knows what’s best for you, and you should just eat your gruel, shut the fuck up, and be glad you don’t live in a tower block in Kensington.
For people outside London who were confused by how a high-rise full of poor folk and brown people could be in a place you normally associate with Lady Di and people driving Rolls Royces, that’s because of a thing called Cheek By Jowl, which means that no matter how exclusive your postcode is, or how many millions your house is worth, you often get sent through a council estate by Google Maps on your way home from Waitrose. This is because, a long time ago, town planners knew that the rich would need to buy their drugs somewhere local, and that one day someone would invent Ocado, so it’d all work out fine.
What is the state of affairs in the UK now, then? Well, we all know the Strong and Stable Tory government ain’t happening. And, unless Theresa May has a massive change of heart and resigns on the spot, the Corbylition of Chaos isn’t happening either. Brexit talks are going to be a disaster for Britain, since she has nothing to bargain with, she’s relying on the support of a bunch of climate-change denying, gay-hating murderers, who think the earth is less than 6,000 years old, and people are genuinely suggesting that Nigel Farage be involved, despite the fact that the only place he can get elected is to the European Parliament. You know, the one he thinks shouldn’t exist. At least Sinn Féinn have the decency not to turn up for their Westminster jobs, but I guess Nige just can’t resist the complimentary croissants.
And what of Corybn? Did he win? Is he going to stay? It’s all very odd. He may be nothing like Donald Trump in morals, politics, integrity, or suit choices, but you have to admit he did take a few leaves out of the Donald’s book. They both were given no chance, they both were attacked constantly by the press, and both of them did the relatively smart thing of riding out the bad publicity, never shying away from the spotlight, in the hope that the ordinary people of their countries might think ‘Hang on a fucking minute here, this doesn’t seem fair. Maybe I WILL vote for him, just to piss you lot off.’ On top of that, while being laughed at and told they were ‘unelectable’, they both made decisions to hold rallies in places where their support was already strong, rather than try to win over marginals/bell weathers, and the result was a constant stream of footage of them in front of large crowds, cheering their names. Worked for Hitler. Still works now.
So who really won this election? Can we quantify it in terms that don’t involve seat numbers, swingometers, fancy graphics, and Jeremy Vine struggling to work an iPad? Yeah, we can. If you voted with your brain as well as your heart, no matter for which party it was, you won. If you ignored the bullshit and bullying of the press, and made your own decision, you won. If you realised that the real majority is always a silent one, because empty vessels make the most noise, so it didn’t matter how many ignorant comments rose to the top of every social media post on the internet, because there were far more people out there like you, and you weren’t alone, and your vote was going to be a vote for hope, for love, and for a future that we might not quite be at yet, but might be soon, you won.
And obviously if you’re poor, you don’t come from any sort of wealth, you were completely aware that the Conservatives had no real manifesto apart from the bits they stole from Labour, they costed nothing, their entire campaign was built on delusions of popularity and smears against the opposition leader, but you voted Tory anyway, because you think they’re going to get rid of all those Muslims and immigrants who are definitely the reason that your life is so shit (not the rich who are bleeding the economy dry and blaming it on dole scroungers/migrants/gays/Muslims/Russell Brand while keeping their money in tax havens and whatnot), you also won. Cos your guys got the most seats and stuff. That’s just maths.
If you voted UKIP though, you lost. And for that, you have no one to blame but… Muslims, probably. And queers.